I turn 60 this week. Instead of lamenting how old I am, I decided at the beginning of this year to celebrate with a little throwback photo party on Instagram every Thursday. I dug through my photo archives from my life on the “0s” and the “5s” (the years I was 10, 15, 20, etc.) to find five photos that represent what was happening in my life at the time.

One of my favorites so far has been the photo from my 10th birthday party. I know it looks like Julie, the American Girl doll from the 70s, had her story turned into a live-action movie, but that’s actually me in the bedazzled, tie-dyed shirt and bell-bottom blue jeans with a flower patch.

My 10th birthday was the first time I was allowed to invite classmates to a party. You can tell by the gleam in my eye that I am absolutely thrilled to have a group of girlfriends of my very own. In fact, look how enthused we all were to be embarking on a social life of our very own.

Fourth grade had been a big year for friendships.

Two buddies in this photo, Mary Beth and Jackie, were Junior Girl Scouts with me, which was especially exciting because our troop went on camping trips. Since I didn’t have any sisters and my brother was four years younger than me, it was amazing to spend time with other girls my own age who I had something in common with.

Another friend in the photo, Rosemarie, lived on the other side of the public school playground two blocks from my house–close enough that I was occasionally allowed to walk myself over to her house for a playdate.

It would have made a very nice story if I could say I was still friends with these same girls five decades later. Alas, I cannot.

After fifth grade, my family moved from the city to the suburban frontier, so my fourth-grade friendships didn’t last.

Seeing my 10th birthday party photo and remembering how delighted I was at the time to be friends with these girls made me think about how many friendships we make over the course of a lifetime that fall by the wayside.

Much of the time, these friendships flame out not because of a falling-out, but because the circumstances that initially brought us together fade.

Sometimes you discover your interests weren’t as aligned as you thought they were. Before you know it, they’re no longer the first person you look to hang out with at recess or on a coffee break.

Sometimes friends end up in an outer circle of your orbit where you just don’t interact as often anymore.

Other times one of you moves–to a different town or a different company–and you lose touch. (By the time you’re reminiscing about that party decades later, you might not be entirely sure that you remember their names.)

The pattern of waning friendships doesn’t end after childhood. Adults go on to make work friends or parent friends or neighborhood friends that we don’t manage to keep in touch with as much as we would like after our proximity changes for one reason or another.

It’s not a failure on anybody’s part. It’s just how life goes. We’re all just passing through, lucky to find buddies to keep us company for a while.

As spiritual teacher Ram Dass once said, “We’re all just walking each other home.” Maybe that’s the best way to think about the ebb and flow of the friendships that come along as we journey through life.

Just because a friendship isn’t forever, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t meaningful.

After I racked my brain to remember the names of my 10th birthday party attendees, I did what any curious mind does in 2026–surfed the internet to see what happened to my old friends.

I was startled and saddened to discover that one of my 4th-grade friends, Rosemarie, had died a few years ago. She was only 53.

It’s always unsettling to learn that someone the same age as you has died. It reinforced something that my dad observed after my mom passed–it all goes by faster than you think.

My mom made it to 83–the type of lifespan that seems long when you’re in your 20s or 30s. However, when you’re rounding the bend of 60, your perspective is a little different.

Since my mom died, I’ve had a new watchword: “If not now, then when?” Rosemarie’s untimely passing was a reminder of why that’s a good watchword.

Rest in peace, Rosemarie.

If you’d like to join my weekly Throwback Thursday party to see what else I discover in my photo archives, follow me on Instagram.

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I won’t be sharing any new things your mom should have told you this week since I declared a spring break for myself last week.

My middle daughter was in town for her bridal shower. My youngest daughter had flown home from London to attend the shower. Their presence meant my oldest daughter was around too.

In a situation like this, normal work simply must fall by the wayside, especially when the weather in Pennsylvania is summerlike enough to sit in the sun and tan.

A normal Things Your Mom Should Have Told You post will return next week. In the meantime, you catch up on some of the things you might have missed the first time I shared them.

See what else mom should have told you

Recently I’ve been working on a personal history project I’ve titled Big House on the Prairie. It’s the tale of my family’s move from a little brick twin in the city to a sprawling single colonial on the suburban frontier in the 70s.

As a child, I only cared about what my new school would be like and whether I’d make friends. As an adult, I wonder why my parents decided to leave the city behind. I was also curious whether the not-in-my-backyard sentiment so common today when farmland is about to sprout houses was a thing back then too.

So, in addition to sifting through our family photo albums, I headed to the local historical society, which houses the archives of my hometown’s newspaper.

Although many of the issues I needed to access were online, the issues from the 1960s haven’t been converted yet. So I needed to thumb through volumes of yellowed newspapers, which was like opening a time capsule.

As expected, I found accounts of township and school board meetings, as well as plenty of reports from the police blotter (it was stunning to read how common fatal car accidents were before safety belts were required). But much of the content was the kind of information that I had forgotten was once the lifeblood of newspapers.

A primitive version of Facebook and Instagram

I’m old enough to remember when engagements were announced in the newspaper, but I was surprised to see that 1960s engagement photos only included the brides-to-be.

I expected to find spelling bee victors, history award winners, couples celebrating anniversaries, and honor roll students enjoying their moments in the sun. However, I was amazed to see this record of hospital admissions.

It was probably nice to know when babies arrived. And I suppose knowing who’d been hospitalized helped you to be a good neighbor; if you saw someone had been in the hospital, you could follow up and bring the family a meal or offer other assistance.

Believe it or not, an entire column was dedicated to reporting about who visited whose house for dinner. I guess even in the 60s, you weren’t entirely protected from FOMO since you could still see if everyone but you had been invited to a dinner party.

It seemed incredible that these mundane details of social comings and goings were printed in the paper until I realized that back then, local newspapers served up the details of daily life that Facebook and Instagram do today. Before social media, newspapers were the best way to keep tabs on the personal lives of your friends and neighbors.

Where basic information used to appear

It seemed a little strange to me at first that every Friday edition featured an exhaustive listing of the service times for every church in the region. Then I realized that in pre-internet times, this was how, short of making many phone calls, new residents or someone who decided to get back into the habit of attending services learned about their church-going options.

Similarly, at first it seemed kind of silly that a whole ad was devoted to a simple pancake supper. But then I realized–how else did you get the word out about community events in the era before social media and email lists?

If you’ve only ever lived in a world where you can scroll through the TV guide on screen, here’s how you used to discover your viewing options. It was the only way to know what was on TV in the 60s, other than flipping through the channels.

How you hunted for a job or a house before the internet

Before Indeed.com or ZipRecruiter, you checked the Help Wanted section of the newspaper to see who was hiring. Note how, even though the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission had been created in 1964, some of these 1968 Want Ads still specified whether they were looking for male or female help.

Before there was Zillow or Realtor.com, the newspaper was how you discovered which houses were available for sale in your price range. If you didn’t have a real estate agent, this was the only information you could see about the houses for sale. You were lucky if there was a photo of the house itself.

My little journey back in time was entertaining and enlightening, and I did manage to find information that helped me understand how the community was reacting to the transformation of vast swatches of farmland into hundreds of houses.

Newspapers have been called the first drafts of history, and they certainly served that purpose for me. Thanks to my local newspaper, I could access a record of what had happened. I’m not sure that someone who attempts a similar research project in future decades will have such robust “first drafts” to rely on. (Here’s hoping the Wayback Machine is as reliable.)

In many ways, the decline of local newspapers is a natural evolution. As my “time travel” shows, much of the information the local newspaper used to contain now appears on Facebook, Instagram, and websites. Companies and organizations no longer depend on newspapers to carry their ads. People no longer need to subscribe to newspapers to keep tabs on their communities’ social lives.

In fact, in some circles, it’s become fashionable to say we don’t need “The Media” anymore at all. All that talk about “fake news” has tarnished the press’s reputation.

But we’re fooling ourselves if we think that we can just say farewell to independent journalism and rely on social media and the internet for all of our information.

Why do we still need independent journalism?

America’s Founding Fathers insisted on freedom of the press because they believed it was a necessary mechanism for keeping government accountable to the people. Without a free press to inform citizens and expose corruption, they believed a free society could not survive.

America’s founders wanted the press–what we now often refer to as The Media–to act as a watchdog. They believed that a free press could monitor government actions and expose abuses of power so that public officials would remain servants of the people rather than becoming their masters.

The Founders believed that democracy requires informed citizens. They believed that free access to news, opinions, and debate would allow people to make responsible decisions about their government.

Having just fought a revolution against British rule, they recognized that tyrannical governments control information. A free press prevents the government from controlling the narrative. They knew that allowing opposition and criticism to exist without fear of censorship was essential for democracy to flourish.

Key leaders like James Madison argued that in a republic, the people must have the right to supervise the government–not the other way around.

Though news formats may evolve, the press–The Media–remains essential to a healthy democracy. In fact, research has shown that news consumption boosts political participation, improves knowledge of current affairs, and improves resilience to misinformation.

How can citizens ensure news sources are trustworthy?

Our Founding Fathers couldn’t have fathomed what “the press” in the U.S.A. would look like 250 years after its birth. Citizens can get their news any number of ways. So the question becomes–how can you tell whether the news source you’re relying on is trustworthy?

In 1997, the Committee of Concerned Journalists began a national conversation to identify the principles that underlie journalism. After four years of research, including 20 public forums around the country and a national survey of journalists, the group identified nine Principles of Journalism.

These nine principles describe what a healthy “free press” looks like. Here’s the SparkNotes version of how journalism is supposed to work, so you can evaluate for yourself how your favorite news sources measure up:

1. Journalism’s first obligation is to the truth. Democracy depends on citizens having reliable, accurate facts put in a meaningful context. Journalism does not pursue truth in an absolute or philosophical sense, but it can—and must—pursue it in a practical sense. This “journalistic truth” is a process that begins with the professional discipline of assembling and verifying facts.

2. Its first loyalty is to citizens. While news organizations answer to many constituencies, including advertisers and shareholders, the journalists in those organizations must maintain allegiance to citizens and the larger public interest above any other if they are to provide the news without fear or favor.

3. Its essence is a discipline of verification. When the concept of objectivity originally evolved, it did not imply that journalists are free of bias. It called, rather, for a consistent method of testing information—a transparent approach to evidence—precisely so that personal and cultural biases would not undermine the accuracy of their work. The method is objective, not the journalist.
   
   Seeking out multiple witnesses, disclosing as much as possible about sources, or asking various sides for comment, all signal such standards. This discipline of verification is what separates journalism from other modes of communication, such as propaganda, fiction, or entertainment.

4. Its practitioners must maintain an independence from those they cover. Independence is an underlying requirement of journalism, a cornerstone of its reliability…While editorialists and commentators are not neutral, the source of their credibility is still their accuracy, intellectual fairness and ability to inform—not their devotion to a certain group or outcome.

5. It must serve as an independent monitor of power. Journalism has an unusual capacity to serve as watchdog over those whose power and position most affect citizens. The Founders recognized this to be a rampart against despotism when they ensured an independent press; courts have affirmed it; citizens rely on it.

6. It must provide a forum for public criticism and compromise. It also should strive to fairly represent the varied viewpoints and interests in society, and to place them in context rather than highlight only the conflicting fringes of debate. Accuracy and truthfulness require that as framers of the public discussion we not neglect the points of common ground where problem solving occurs.

7. It must strive to make the significant interesting and relevant. Journalism is storytelling with a purpose. It should do more than gather an audience or catalog the important. For its own survival, it must balance what readers know they want with what they cannot anticipate but need.

8. It must keep the news comprehensive and proportional. Keeping news in proportion and not leaving important things out are also cornerstones of truthfulness. Journalism is a form of cartography: it creates a map for citizens to navigate society. Inflating events for sensation, neglecting others, stereotyping or being disproportionately negative all make a less reliable map.

9. Its practitioners must be allowed to exercise their personal conscience. Every journalist must have a personal sense of ethics and responsibility — a moral compass. Each of us must be willing, if fairness and accuracy require, to voice differences with our colleagues, whether in the newsroom or the executive suite.

These principles formed the basis of a book, The Elements of Journalism, which has been updated several times to keep up with the evolution of technology and society. In the preface of the most recent edition, published in 2021, the authors summed up in a single paragraph the forces currently at play, as well as the stakes:

“No part of this book has been untouched by the galvanic forces of technology, fragmentation, economic chaos, and the rise of antidemocratic movements around the world. The platform companies such as Facebook and Google are now the most important media forces shaping our information lives, and their algorithms, which are designed to distinguish us from one another to help them sell targeted advertising, have helped bad actors know what can separate us politically, creating rich opportunities for authoritarians to exploit. Despots, in turn, will always call the press the enemy of the people for the simple reason that journalism is a force for democracy.”

If you care about American democracy surviving to celebrate its next milestone birthday, Bill Kovach and Tom Rosenstiel explained in the preface of The Elements of Journalism why doing your part to understand and support journalism is essential:

“If those who practice journalism and those who consume it do not understand journalism’s purpose in society and cannot differentiate journalism from political advocacy and propaganda, or opinion mongering from reporting, if they do not understand the discipline of verification or the requirements of passionate, open-minded inquiry, it is not journalism that is threatened. It is democracy…

Democracy and the press, as Joseph Pulitzer warned a century ago, really do rise and fall together.”

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Big kids. Big transitions. Big emotions. Whether you’re preparing for an empty nest or already in it, you deserve support (and maybe a prize).

Enter to win one of four giveaway prizes designed for empty-nesters and parents of older teens and young adults:

GRAND PRIZE: $300 Amazon Gift Card

THREE Runners-up PRIZES: Next Chapter Book Bundles: Each bundle includes three influential books and a $30 Amazon Gift Card

How to Enter:

1. Tap this link: Empty Nest Next Chapter Giveaway

2. Enter your email address

3. Be sure to respond to the confirmation email you’ll receive. If you don’t see it, check your junk folder—this step is required to be eligible to win!

After you enter, you’ll have the opportunity to gain extra entries by liking, following, and subscribing to the participating authors.

Good luck!

IMPORTANT! (Disclaimer)The Empty Nest Next Chapter giveaway runs from April 7-14, 2026. All entrants must use a verifiable, active email address and complete KingSumo’s confirmation process after entering. Random winners will be selected by KingSumo on April 15 and notified within 48 hours. This giveaway is not sponsored or endorsed by anyone other than the authors/writers listed. By entering the giveaway, you acknowledge that your email address will be shared with the contributing authors and will be added to their subscriber lists. You may unsubscribe at any time. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited. US Residents only. Must be 18+ years of age to participate. Thank you for entering!

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In the olden days, moms used to clip articles from newspapers for their kids if they thought they needed to know something. I’m keeping an eye out for things that you might have missed that may be helpful to you.

This week’s clips:

Just one in three unmarried young adults ages 22-35 are dating, even though about half are interested in starting a relationship. The Up and Up considers the causes of Gen Z’s dating deficit.

Luce from Shit You Should Care About explains why and how she traded showing everyone a slightly different version of herself for just being who she is when nobody is watching.

Need a trustworthy source for breaking news? For a health question? For financial info? Reference librarian Hanna Lee Goldin points you in the right direction in this Card Catalog post.

Hey Parents!

I’m excited to announce that The Lazy Chef Cookbook is part of the Empty Nest Next Chapter Giveaway.

If you’re preparing for an empty nest or already in it, you can enter to win one of four giveaway prizes designed for parents of older teens and young adults:

GRAND PRIZE: $300 Amazon Gift Card

THREE Runners-up PRIZES: Next Chapter Book Bundles: Each bundle includes three influential books and a $30 Amazon Gift Card

How to Enter:

1. Tap this link: Empty Nest Next Chapter Giveaway

2. Enter your email address

3. Be sure to respond to the confirmation email you’ll receive. If you don’t see it, check your junk folder—this step is required to be eligible to win!

After you enter, you’ll have the opportunity to gain extra entries by liking, following, and subscribing to the participating authors.

Good luck!

IMPORTANT! (Disclaimer)The Empty Nest Next Chapter giveaway runs from April 7-14, 2026. All entrants must use a verifiable, active email address and complete KingSumo’s confirmation process after entering. Random winners will be selected by KingSumo on April 15 and notified within 48 hours. This giveaway is not sponsored or endorsed by anyone other than the authors/writers listed. By entering the giveaway, you acknowledge that your email address will be shared with the contributing authors and will be added to their subscriber lists. You may unsubscribe at any time. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited. US Residents only. Must be 18+ years of age to participate. Thank you for entering!

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From their 1st birthdays until they turned 18, we hosted a family birthday party for each of our three children every year.

That’s 54 parties. And when I look through the treasure trove of photos from those parties, I am a little blown away by how willing our relatives and friends were to cheerfully and consistently show up.

They came bearing gifts, oohed and aahed while the girls opened their presents, helped wrangle other party-goers if the kids’ party was the same day, sang the obligatory happy birthday tune, and occasionally wore party hats.

Every fall, we subjected them to three parties within the span of 3 months because that’s when the girls’ birthdays fell, but the birthday party MVPs showed up without fail for each and every one.

At one of the parties, in addition to the obligatory cake shot, I also took photos of the partygoers who came to rejoice. I love the photo because it captures the most loyal fan club they’ll ever have.

That’s dedication. That’s love. It’s rare to have such a physical manifestation of appreciation for the simple fact that you exist.

Perhaps you were also graced by people who were there to celebrate your birthdays and special occasions during your childhood.

At the time, I imagine your parents probably coached you to thank those friends and relatives for the gifts you received. Maybe you even thanked them for coming to your party.

Even today, you probably feel a sense of gratitude that your loved ones honored you by being there at all those parties and occasions.

You know what would make this even better? Acknowledging the people who showed up for you before you were even old enough to fully appreciate having a built-in fan club. Think of it as regifting the love.

It doesn’t need to be a grand gesture. Send them a birthday card. Give them a phone call. Send them a postcard the next time you’re on vacation. Stop by for a brief visit the next time you’re in town.

If your fan club is getting up there in years, they may not get out as much anymore, so they’ll especially appreciate the human contact.

And no matter how old they are, they will appreciate the warm feeling that comes from knowing that someone thought of them.

It’s the least you can do. And it will probably make you feel pretty good too.

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In the olden days, moms used to clip articles from newspapers for their kids if they thought it was something they needed to know. I’m keeping an eye out for things that you might have missed that may be helpful to you.

This week’s clips:

Rachel Richardson of Highly Flammable considers what the CBK craze says about our current era.

Cathy Cassani Adams of Zen Moment explains why it’s in your relationship’s best interest to just say the thing.

Karl Pillemer and Mel Robins make the case for why life is too short to fight with your family.

When I see this picture of myself in a cap and gown, it reminds me about the mixed emotions I felt on graduation day. On the one hand, I’d finally reached the top of the mountain. All the studying and tests were over. But on the other hand, now there was a whole other, in some ways steeper, mountain to climb—actually assembling all of the pieces of that wonderful grown-up life I’d been dreaming about all along.

It didn’t take long to discover that in the real world I couldn’t count on things working mostly like I expected them to and being rewarded as long as I put in the effort. In fact, I found that during my 20s very few life experiences unfolded like I had imagined they would.

Adulthood was littered with all kinds of tricky things that I wasn’t sure how to handle at first, like dislikable bosses, rainy wedding days, and in-laws. It also featured troublesome situations like hating my first job and having to fire a bridesmaid.

Plus other larger how-the-hell-is-this-going-to-work dilemmas were looming in the background, like how was I going to find my way to a dream job when I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to be when I grew up? And was it really going to be possible to juggle a career and parenthood someday like conventional wisdom had been telling me all along?

It sure would have been nice if someone had spoken to me honestly about the things I was likely to encounter as a young adult. And yet it seemed like once you graduated, you were expected to fend for yourself without much guidance. Nobody acknowledged the dilemmas and struggles I was routinely encountering. For the most part, my elders and society in general gave the impression that adulthood should be mostly smooth sailing if you were doing it right.

By the time I hit my mid-30s, I managed to figure most things out. And then I got so busy with the life I had assembled for myself (complete with marriage, a house, a career, and three kids who arrived within 5 years) that I forgot about the struggles of young adulthood for a while.

But eventually my daughters grew up, and as they prepared to leave home, I started to become part of the “everything’s fine” conspiracy. Most of the time when we discussed their futures, I talked about limitless opportunities and focused on the upside. I suppose I avoided talking about the struggles ahead because I didn’t want them to be discouraged. Or I guess I hoped that somehow they’d magically avoid all the pitfalls.

Then I read about a golden rule that marathon runners follow—if a runner asks you about the terrain on the trail ahead, you should let them know about tough hills and how far they still have to go. In other words, instead of resorting to happy talk and telling them it won’t be that hard, you should be honest.

So I decided to be more open about the challenges and dilemmas that come along with being a grown-up. I started sharing the non-airbrushed version of my experiences as a young adult with my daughters and telling them all of the things I wished my mom or somebody had told me. I'm happy to do the same for you. 

I feel badly that young people today face more pressure than ever to “have it all”—even though nobody has ever explained how to pull that off. I hope to help you be better prepared to navigate adulthood than I was.

I recognize that 20-somethings aren’t the only ones looking for practical wisdom about everything that comes along with adulthood. In fact, I’ve come to realize that for most people, figuring out how to navigate life is a lifelong quest. So no matter what age you are, I’m happy if you find useful knowledge and wisdom in this “instruction manual for life” delivered a week at a time.

My hope is that reading Things Your Mom Should Have Told You weekly will help reduce anxiety about adulting. If you subscribe, I’ll see you in your inbox every Tuesday.

Adulthood can be full of unanticipated jams and challenges you’re not sure how to tackle.

You’re on a solo road trip when you get a flat tire 200 miles from home on a Sunday night. You don’t know how to change a tire. Who’s going to rescue you?

You unexpectedly get laid off from your job. How are you going to tackle your job search when you’re not even sure how to optimize your resume for search these days?

You’re ready to buy a car, and it feels like the most complex purchase you’ve ever navigated. New or pre-owned? How can you compare the merits and drawbacks of the candidates? How can you avoid getting ripped off at the dealer?

You sense that you could really benefit from talking to a counselor, like ASAP, but how are you going to pull that off when it’s so hard to get an appointment with one?

Fortunately, help for all of these situations may be closer at hand than you realize. Here’s a rundown of some of the “superheroes” you can call when you can’t solve it yourself.

American Automobile Association (AAA)

For over 100 years, AAA has been helping keep its members on the road through its car care and travel services.

Types of problems solved: If you have a dead battery, flat tire, or engine trouble, are locked out of your car, or run out of gas, you can call AAA 24/7 for emergency roadside assistance. If they can’t fix it on the spot, they’ll tow you to a service station. No more worries about whether Dad or your best friend is available to come to your rescue.

Triple-A is also known for its travel services. In addition to maps and directions, its stellar trip-planning app, Triptik, can help you plan what to see, how to break up a long trip, and find gas stations. You don’t have to be a Triple-A member to use Triptik, but if you are, you’ll be able to save your trip plan. I’ve planned a lot of roadtrips, and Triptik is my go-to.

AAA members also enjoy discounts on hotels, rental cars, and attractions.

Cost: The typical cost of a base-level membership is around $64.99. (Since AAA is a federation of regional motor clubs, the cost varies by region.) When I logged on recently, AAA was offering 25% off and free coverage for a household member.

Consumer Reports

Consumer Reports (CR) is an independent nonprofit dedicated to helping consumers make informed purchasing decisions. CR conducts rigorous, unbiased testing of products and services and provides in-depth reviews, expert ratings, and buying guides for cars, appliances, electronics, and almost any consumer product you can think of.

Types of problems solved: CR is like having a consumer purchasing genie at your beck and call. Should I buy a new, certified pre-owned, or used car? How can I get the best deal on the car I want to buy? Should I repair or replace my dishwasher? Of the TVs I’m considering, which has the best reliability and owner satisfaction ratings? What should I consider when choosing a car insurance policy?

Cost: For $10/month, you can become a CR member and get instant access to ratings, plus exclusive discounts on top-rated products. If you sign up during CR’s Customer Appreciation Week, it’s only $2 a month (act today–the offer ends March 17). Or check with your local library–many provide free access to CR services via your library card.

Employee Assistance Program (EAP)

You may have scrolled right past this benefit during open enrollment, but EAPs can be a real help if you’re in a jam. Three out of four employers offer EAPs, typically because they recognize it’s in their best interest to help employees deal with challenges that might otherwise impact their job performance. Unfortunately, fewer than 10% of employees take advantage of an EAP.

Types of problems solved: EAPs help employees tackle everything from financial struggles to relationship issues to substance misuse. They often provide services such as legal assistance, adoption support, and child and elder care resources.

They may offer wellness programs to assist with stress management and smoking cessation.

EAPs can help you or a family member deal with depression, anxiety, and other mental health concerns, as well as addiction and substance abuse issues. And you can get that help fast–EAP programs typically include up to 5 phone or video consultations with licensed counselors for you and your eligible household members, per issue, per calendar year.

If you’re in a jam, it may be well worth your while to make a phone call to see how your EAP might be able to help. Even if they can’t completely solve your problem, they may be able to help you think through the next steps.

Cost: EAP services are typically provided at no cost to employees. Employers recognize that helping you deal with problems that can consume your time and energy is in your and their best interests.

The team in your state representative’s or state senator’s office

If you have come up against a wall of government bureaucracy, and you’re not sure where to turn, look no further than the office of your state representative or senator. When our state tax refund was long overdue and I got nowhere with the Department of Revenue, a call to our state representative finally broke the logjam.

Types of problems solved: The team in your state senator’s or representative’s office knows all of the ins and outs of state programs and departments. They can help with things like:

• Department of Motor Vehicles snafus

• Unemployment compensation issues

• Veteran’s benefits

• Official documents like birth certificates

• Professional licensing applications

• State tax issues

Even if they can’t help you directly with your problem, they may be able to point you in the direction of another agency or organization that can. Mindful that their constituents are also voters, these folks are typically very motivated to help you.

Cost: Free; this is your tax dollars at work.

Your credit card’s built-in benefits

Maybe you weren’t paying close attention when your credit card arrived in the mail, but it probably came with a guide to your card-member benefits. You may be well aware of the benefits if that’s what attracted you to a premium card. But even your run-of-the-mill card may offer help you didn’t know you had.

Types of help may include (benefits vary widely): Troubleshooting travel fiascos while you’re on the road. Help with rebooking canceled flights. Free auto rental collision insurance. Trip cancellation and interruption insurance. Trip delay reimbursement. Lost luggage reimbursement.

Cost: Included as a card benefit. The card itself may have an annual fee.

Your local library

Your local library has a noble mission of advancing literacy and enriching lives. It exists to serve people like you. It has resources, programs, and services that may be just what you need.

Types of help: Free access to books, audiobooks, e-books, film and TV show DVDs, music CDs (though you may have to wait your turn for certain in-demand items). Free wireless printing (no need to buy or maintain your own printer). Free events to stimulate your mind and interests. Some libraries have a Library of Things that let you borrow items like a telescope, projector and screen, lawn games, a drill, a metal detector, cake pans, etc. Some libraries may offer passes that provide free admission to local museums and historic sites. You may even be able to check out mobile internet hotspots for a 7- or 30-day loan period.

Cost: In most cases, it’s free. Tax dollars typically fund the library, although occasionally some libraries charge a membership fee.

Your university’s career center

Though a university career center’s primary focus is on helping its soon-to-be graduates find a job, most also offer services for their alumni. They want nothing more than to see you succeed.

Types of help: Career counseling/coaching. Resume review. Interview training and practice. Assessments of your strengths and interests. Access to portals and platforms featuring job opportunities from fellow alumni connections. Access to career fairs. Networking opportunities.

Cost: Typically free, though there may be a nominal fee for some services.

Here we are at the end of this post, and maybe you’re wondering–so what am I supposed to do if I have a ghost situation? The scientific consensus is that ghosts do not exist. However, paranormal investigators do. This Guardian article may have some tips about who you can call for that.

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Parents and grown kids can stay close even when kids fly far away from the nest

I recently chatted with Jay Ramsden on an episode of his This Empty Nest Life podcast about how to maintain a close relationship with your grown children even when they’re 3,544 miles away (but who’s counting? 😀). We talked about:

• Redefining closeness: intimacy over proximity

• Navigating parenting across cities and time zones

• How storytelling teaches better than lecturing

• Transitioning from a parental voice to a peer mentor role
  

  Give it a listen and let me know what you think!

In the olden days, moms used to clip articles from newspapers for their kids if they thought it was something they needed to know. I’m keeping an eye out for things that you might have missed that may be helpful to you.

This week’s clips:

Playfulness helps people feel closer. The NYT suggests 4 silly ways to keep your relationship fun.

Ready to try a no-spend month? Gretchen Rubin explains how it shifted her perspective on money and gives tips for pulling it off.

Is it stress or anxiety? An expert explains the difference and why it matters (watch or read).

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I had a horrible time figuring out what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I was not one of those people who knew early on that I had a distinct calling. When the time came to choose a college major, I reasoned my way into a career choice.

Since I was good at being a student, I figured I might as well pick a career that required grad school, especially since more education usually means a higher salary. I zeroed in on law school, no doubt influenced by the fact that law was a hot field at the time. Since I couldn’t imagine defending or prosecuting criminals, I set my sights on corporate law.

I decided that a business major made sense since I was interested in corporate law. I chose accounting, which I figured could be my fallback plan if I decided not to go to law school.

It was all very logical, and I liked my classes-the only problem was that by the start of senior year, I’d realized that neither occupation was a fit.

Though I could happily sign up for three years of law school, I wasn’t so sure I actually wanted to work as a lawyer. And my plan B of becoming a CPA was out too since an accounting internship had revealed how little I enjoyed bean-counting.

I had to find a new career path ASAP.

If you’re still trying to figure out what you want to be when you grow up, or you’re working in a field that doesn’t feel like the right fit, here are three things I wish somebody told me when I was trying to figure out the type of work that best suited me.

Look for clues

Many years after I faced my career path dilemma, I came across a concept that might have helped me discover the occupation that best suited me.

St. Ignatius of Loyola said that, besides giving us talents and skills, God also plants desires in our hearts so that we will be drawn to some things and averse to others. He believed that if God means for us to do something, he designs us so that we are attracted to that pursuit and can endure its less pleasant aspects. In other words, if God hopes that somebody will be a doctor, they won’t be a person who can’t stand the sight of blood.

Had I known about this concept, I would have looked for clues and trusted my gut a lot more.

If I bothered to notice, the choices I made in small decisions revealed my true preferences. I picked up a communications minor sophomore year because the required courses genuinely interested me.

I wrote for my college newspaper and eventually chose to become editor-in-chief instead of taking a Big Eight accounting internship, which said a lot if I had paid attention.

I loved the summer internship I landed at a magazine because of my newspaper writing experience. Some people hate to write; I thoroughly enjoyed playing with words all day.

Had I been paying attention, all these signs pointed to my affinity for words, communications, and creativity.

Once I picked up on these clues, I started pursuing a career in marketing — a field that required many of the skills I enjoyed using, like writing and thinking creatively.

If you don’t know which career to choose, or you have a sense that you walked down a career path that’s not right for you, I highly recommend reviewing how you enjoy spending your time and what skill sets you most like to employ. What you gravitate towards, even in your free time, says a lot.

Don’t let other voices drown out your inner voice

Nobody makes career decisions in a vacuum. Multiple factors can influence our choices.

When I was trying to find my career path, plenty of voices in the culture echoed some version of what Gordon Gekko said in the 1987 film Wall Street: “Greed is good.” It was easy to get sucked into zeroing on having a “successful” career and not pay much mind to other factors I should have considered, like enjoying and finding meaning in your work.

I also felt the weightiness of living up to my potential. I was always a good student, and the pressure got kicked up another notch when I was elected “Most Likely to Succeed” in high school.

My mom had done a great job of encouraging me to pursue higher education. But things got a little turned around when I initially screened my career options based on whether they required a master’s degree or more.

That’s why it’s essential to never let a parent’s voice, an influencer’s voice, or anyone else’s voice—drown out whatever it is your inner voice might be saying. No matter how well-intentioned other people are, they won’t be the ones reporting to your place of employment every day. The most helpful thing you can do for yourself is to really tune into what your own inner voice thinks about your career choices.

Paying close attention to what your heart desires—and not letting it get drowned out by so-called conventional wisdom, other people’s opinions, or what the media says you should want—gives you the best shot at landing you in an occupation that’s right for you.

Expect a series of small discoveries instead of one giant epiphany

Some people will say that fate, good fortune, dumb luck, or “the universe” ultimately determines where you end up. I prefer to believe that God does in fact have a plan for each of us–though often it seems like a secret plan he keeps locked in some heavenly file cabinet because he wants us to decide for ourselves what to do with the choices in front of us.

When I was desperately trying to figure out which career path was right for me, I would have loved to have had a singular, clear-as-day epiphany about what I was meant to do with the rest of my life. Alas, it did not work that way for me. If you are blessed with a single light-bulb moment, you should be grateful.

But if you don’t have a clear career vision, take heart and make peace with the fact that figuring it out will be a process. Assess your skills and talents. Find a job or an internship that puts you in the vicinity of where you think you’d like to be.

Once you’re there, keep your eyes open and notice whether another role within that company holds greater appeal. If you land somewhere and discover that work isn’t a fit for you, at least you’ve crossed one possibility off your list.

Don’t be afraid of adjusting your course. All you can do is keep trying to orient yourself to what seems to be the right direction.

And for heaven’s sake, don’t overwhelm yourself by thinking your entire career or ultimate happiness hinges on any one job. Just get started, keep asking yourself what the right next step is, and eventually you’ll get to where you belong.

If you’re searching for a career that fits you, these Books of Wisdom could help (click the cover to sample their content):

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In the olden days, moms used to clip articles from newspapers for their kids if they thought it was something they needed to know. I’m keeping an eye out for things that you might have missed that may be helpful to you.

This week’s clips:

Katie Burke from Not Wasting My Twenties tells you why the next time you’re ready to say no, you should wait five minutes.

Career expert Jade Walters from The Ninth Semester explains how to take a mental health break from a job hunt without messing up your progress.

Tempted to impulse shop? Life Kit offers 5 tips to stop stress-spending (listen or read).

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Happy Lunar New Year! Today marks the beginning of the Year of the Horse, and over a billion people in Asia and around the globe will celebrate by honoring their ancestors and spending an extended holiday break with their families.

When I was in my 20s and early 30s, I worked for the international division of Wyeth, a pharmaceutical company. Working for Wyeth, I’d interact with people from around the globe every day and travel to a dozen countries that I probably would have never visited otherwise.

In some ways, I think opening the door to a job in international marketing was God’s version of sending me away to summer camp. I’m sure he knew that I was so attached to metro Philly that I’d never want to live anywhere else. And he probably also knew that my introverted nature meant that I wouldn’t go out of my way to meet people from other cultures.

When I worked for Wyeth, my trips to Asia sometimes fell during the Lunar New Year. I wish I had an interesting photo of wild revelry to share, but my duties mostly involved attending year-end dinners with agencies and VIPs. The photo I shared above is from a trip to Taiwan one year.

In the foreground of the photo, you can see the gigantic lazy susan, which felt like a giant roulette wheel to me because I am not a fan of Chinese food and don’t like seafood. Since most meals were served family-style, all I could do was hope for the best when someone gave the wheel a spin.

I spent one Lunar New Year in Singapore and Malaysia. The first night I was there, they served the holiday favorite known as Prosperity Salad—a mixture of shredded veggies, fruit pieces, spices, plum sauce, and raw fish. It’s an extra festive dish because everyone sticks their chopsticks into the bowl and helps toss the ingredients around before you dig in.

I ate as much Prosperity Salad as I could stomach and then pushed the remnants around on my plate. When Prosperity Salad showed up again the next night, I was not excited to see it. But I tried to be a good sport and ate about a third of my portion.

On the third night, when Prosperity Salad showed up again, I was ready to cry. I thought to myself that I would rather be poor than eat Prosperity Salad again. But I did my best and ate the bare minimum so as not to insult my hosts. I tried to focus on the pack of Oreos waiting for me in my suitcase back at the hotel.

Though I never became a fan of the cuisine, years later, when I think about my travels to Asia, I still feel a warm sense of gratitude. Without exception, every time I was a stranger in a strange land, I was always under the care of people who welcomed me and went out of their way to show me the best their cities and culture had to offer.

In many ways, those travel experiences were very humbling because I had to put my trust completely in people I had just met. Though I was someone from headquarters there to do a job, my colleagues also seemed to recognize that I was also a young adult far from home.

I can’t think of anyone who wasn’t kind to me. I learned to always travel with a pack of thank-you notes because by the time I left any given country, I was grateful to many people.

There’s a lot of tension in the world today over how willing we are to welcome strangers into our midst. Sometimes it feels more comfortable to close ourselves off from people who are different from us.

And yet when we find ourselves in a situation where we don’t belong–which happens to everyone sooner or later–we quickly recognize how dependent we are on the kindness of people who could just as easily turn a cold shoulder our way. There but for the grace of God go I.

When I was a fish out of water, I couldn’t exactly help where I’d landed–I found myself in Asia for work.

With my light brown, curly hair, I stuck out like a sore thumb. I didn’t speak the language. I couldn’t move smoothly through my day without assistance from someone else. I felt very conscious of being different from everyone else. I was the stranger.

I will be forever grateful for how others welcomed and treated me with compassion on my trips to Asia. And the only way that I can return the kindness I was shown–sometimes the only way that any of us can return favors like these–is to pay it forward.

I don’t have to travel anyplace exotic to meet the pay-it-forward challenge. I just have to be open as I go about my daily life and keep the intention in mind: How can I welcome people who look different from me? Who think differently than I do? Who come from a family background different from mine? Who come from a different culture?

Once you choose to accept this challenge, it’s not complicated. There are so many ways to extend basic human kindness to welcome a stranger. You just have to follow your good instincts.

You’ll know you have successfully met the paying it forward challenge when your simple human actions leave you with a warm feeling inside. Deep down, you will sense you’ve done the right thing.

And as a bonus, you will catch a little glimpse of what the world would be like if everyone truly did live in harmony. Don’t miss that opportunity–you won’t regret it.

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If you missed Part 1 of this Book of Wisdom in the spotlight, click to catch up:

In the olden days, moms used to clip articles from newspapers for their kids if they thought it was something they needed to know. I’m keeping an eye out for things that you might have missed that may be helpful to you.

This week’s clips:

Ready to friction-maxx? In an episode of the ICMYI podcast, Kathryn Jezer-Morton, author of the viral article “In 2026, We Are Friction-Maxxing,” explains why we should rebuild our tolerance for the little inconveniences that make us human.

The TED Radio Hour shared tips for getting your resume past the AI screeners.

Psychologist David DeSteno says our modern conception of hope is flawed. He explains why hope is a virtue to be practiced, not an aspiration to be managed.

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According to a recent survey by the Match Group, 80% of Gen Z singles believe they’ll find true love, and 86% want to find a committed romantic relationship.

This doesn’t mean that dating is without its challenges.

Hinge, the company behind the dating app designed to be deleted, recently released its D.A.T.E. Report, an annual study that relies on a survey of 30,000 daters to identify and understand dating habits. You can read the 54-page report for yourself.

But I’d like to highlight three key findings that might improve the odds of finding the deep connection that 84% of Gen Z daters say they’re looking for.

Tip #1: Don’t avoid meaningful conversations

Many factors contribute to the tension between Gen Z and their potential romantic partners these days, but according to Hinge, the primary factor at the heart of it all is The Communication Gap–the disconnect between the deeper connection daters want and their willingness to initiate it.

Hinge found that Gen Z daters are 36% more hesitant than Millennials to initiate a deep conversation on the first date.

What keeps people from having a deeper conversation?

• 35% of Hinge daters say they’re holding back because they don’t know how to start one

• 43% of Gen Z women wait for the other person to initiate deep conversations because they assume men don’t want to have them

• 48% of Gen Z men hold back from emotional intimacy because they don’t want to seem “too much”

Hinge notes that the first generation to grow up on social media often has a sense of being watched, often leading Gen Z to self-censor and worry about how they’re perceived. As a result, Gen Z daters are 29% more likely to wait for the other person to initiate conversations than Millennial daters.

The problem is that connection doesn’t happen when everyone’s waiting; it happens when both people decide to give it a try.

You may assume you know what the other person wants, but be mistaken.

For instance, even though 43% of Gen Z women believe the people they date don’t want to have deep conversations on the first few dates, 71% of Gen Z men say they would like to have more meaningful chats.

So, in other words, if you take a chance on having a deeper conversation on a date, the odds are better than 2-to-1 that it will be well-received.

Moe Ari Brown, the love and connection expert at Hinge, notes: “When there’s a disconnect between how we think we should act and communicate, and how we actually want to act and communicate, it can lead to really unfulfilling dates. Dates feel stronger when both people try and contribute in the ways they actually crave.”

Tip #2 Don’t resist being emotionally open

The Hinge survey showed that Gen Z daters are more likely than Millennial daters to report fears around emotional intimacy.

Barriers to building emotional connection

Since fears of emotional intimacy are so common, it’s not surprising that the survey revealed that 47% of Gen Z men have held back from asking deep questions out of fear of coming off as “cringe.” About 39% of Gen Z women say they have held back for fear of seeming “cringe” too.

Logan Ury, lead relationship scientist at Hinge, says the number one reason people hold themselves back is the fear of coming across as “too much.” And yet there’s a very real danger to self-censoring:

“We become our own worst critics, imagining judgment that’s usually harsher than what anyone else would actually think. The fear of being ‘too much’ makes us hold back so much that we end up doing nothing at all. Here’s the thing: when you’re constantly worried about seeming desperate or cringe, you’re already living in that rejection you’re trying to avoid. You’re just doing it to yourself first.

“The people worth knowing aren’t looking for someone perfect. They want someone who’s real. And real includes wanting things badly, caring deeply, and showing up fully even when it feels scary.”

Hinge’s Brown encourages daters to push past invisible scripts: “When there’s a disconnect between how we think we should act and communicate, and how we actually want to act and communicate, it can also lead to us feeling unfulfilled and inauthentic to ourselves.”

The reality is that most people have a fairly good chance of being on a date with someone who’s open to a deeper connection. The survey data show that 74% of Gen Z men and 70% of Gen Z women say they feel comfortable being emotionally open on the first date.

Tip #3: Ask your date enough questions

The experts at Hinge have identified a key problem that holds many daters back: the “Question Deficit.”

While six in ten daters believe they ask enough questions on a first date, only three in ten daters feel they’re asked enough questions.

The Question Deficit leads many daters to believe they’re showing more interest than they actually do on a date. And this deficit is a problem–85% of daters are more likely to want a second date if they are asked thoughtful questions.

According to Hinge’s Ury, “Too many people walk away from dates saying: ‘He didn’t ask me a single question’ or ‘I could’ve written her biography, but she doesn’t know a thing about me.’ Questions are the foundation of intimacy—so don’t be a ZQ.”

To avoid the ‘zero questions’ date, Ury suggests:

• Answer, then Reflect Back. If your date asks you something, answer—and then ask them the same. Don’t assume their silence means they’d rather listen. Even a simple “How about you?” keeps the conversation reciprocal.

• Listen to Understand. Real listening isn’t just waiting for your turn to speak. Focus on what they’re saying, not your reply. Curiosity makes your date feel valued and helps both of you connect.

Hinge’s Brown offered some ideas for keeping the curiosity going in text conversations:

“A meaningful question invites a story, a reflection, and something more than yes/no. Instead of ‘wyd?’, a meaningful question might be: ‘What’s been the highlight of your day so far?’ or ‘What’s exciting you and lighting you up right now?’”

Ury sums up the big takeaway from the Hinge D.A.T.E. report:

“Gen Z has grown up in a world that often rewards playing it safe, but meaningful connection requires the opposite. The research is clear: the very things we’re afraid will make us ‘too much’ are actually what create the intimacy we’re craving.

“Whether it’s asking that follow-up question, sending a thoughtful Voice Note, or simply showing up as your authentic self on a first date, small acts of emotional bravery compound into deeper relationships.”

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BTW, Logan Ury’s book, How to Not Die Alone, is a Things Your Mom Should Have Told You Book of Wisdom. Sample its content here.

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In the olden days, moms used to clip articles from newspapers for their kids if they thought it was something they needed to know. I’m keeping an eye out for things that you might have missed that may be helpful to you.

This week’s clips:

When the news is terrible, how do we not feel terrible all the time? Lindsey Stanberry of The Purse ponders what we can do instead of feeling weary, cynical and hopeless.

How do you know if that shocking photo in your feed is real, or just another AI fake? In this TED Talk, digital forensics expert Hany Farid explains how to spot fake AI photos.

Is Dry January just kicking the can down the road? Dr. Lucy McBride of Are You Okay? explains why temporary abstinence might be missing the point.

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I have to admit their photos are gorgeous. When I checked out the trad wife influencers I’d been hearing about, I was treated to a pretty tableau of hearth and home.

The trad wives sure make full-time motherhood and housewifery look worthy of aspiring to. (Though frankly, one could argue that a trad wife influencer isn’t pouring all her energy into family and home since curating all that content amounts to running a small business.)

Of course, if you dig a little deeper, the trad wife lifestyle involves more than pretty pictures. It’s the manifestation of certain forces in the culture that are hyping the merits of a return to a way of life last seen at large in the 1950s.

There’s nothing wrong with being a trad wife if that’s what you choose of your own free will. I’m not here to try to talk anybody out of it.

But I also recognize that cultural forces in the wind like these can play on the minds of people, usually young women, who are trying to sort out how to balance their professional ambitions with their desire to have a family. I still remember how difficult that was.

So, for what it’s worth to those pondering how they’re going to design a life that truly suits them, there are two important things I think your mom or someone should tell you.

Thing #1: Staying home with the kids mostly doesn’t resemble what the trad wives are showcasing

When my second child was born, I decided to give up my full-time corporate job to stay home with the kids. Though I loved my job, I was ready to get off the 6 a.m. to 11 p.m. treadmill of carefully choreographed weekdays and absolve myself from any of the guilt I sometimes felt about being a working mother.

Given all of the mythological tales I’d heard about the unique satisfaction of devoting all of your energy to your offspring, I imagined that life as a stay-at-home mom would bring me as close to heaven as I was ever going to get on earth. After all, what more holy occupation could there be than mothering people full-time? It turned out that I was in for a whole lot of holy alright—though holy shit was more like it.

My euphoria carried me through the first couple of weeks after Susannah’s arrival. Relatives and friends were thrilled to meet the new baby; people came bearing gifts and home-cooked meals, and my husband was around to help.

I wasn’t even nervous when it came time for my husband to return to work. Two-year-old Cassie was scheduled to go to the child care center she’d been attending two days a week for a month so we’d both have time to adjust to our new situations. I planned to use those two days to get ahead on household tasks and get some sleep while my newborn baby napped.

In actuality, even though Susannah was a very easy baby, those two days proved to be catch-up time at best, and I struggled to understand how sometimes I hadn’t managed to cross even simple tasks like getting the laundry folded off my list by the end of the day.

I was equally amazed that I spent the weekdays when Cassie was home constantly trying, but not managing, to dodge the giant time sucks that were now a routine part of my days.

Though I had managed to thrive and exceed expectations in the fast-paced world of international marketing, I felt like an underachiever when it came to the mundane demands of motherhood. How was this happening? As best I could tell, there was no overt collusion between my newborn and my toddler, but somehow, they and their various needs seemed to stymie me day after day.

My days were so busy that I couldn’t imagine adding tasks like dressing the kids in cute little outfits, composing wholesome tableaus, and making bread from scratch to my to-do list like the trad wives do. Caring for two small children was challenging enough.

Though I always had plenty to do, somehow at the end of each day, I felt like not much had happened. Where was all of the fulfillment and bliss I expected to feel? Maybe I was doing it wrong or missing something?

Desperately seeking an answer, I turned to an in-house expert–my own mother, who had never seemed overwhelmed or dissatisfied while she was at home with my brother and me. How had she coped with it all? Her reply was simple: “Who remembers?”

Though my mom’s answer was unsatisfying at the time, looking back, it was accurate. Those years of intensive parenting are often a blur–they go fast, but the days are long.

Gradually, I found some hacks and developed some routines. I eventually got more proficient at hands-on parenting and making those days I spent at home with the kids as satisfying as they could reasonably be. But I also came to the conclusion that I wasn’t cut out to devote myself entirely to staying home with the kids.

I didn’t want to get back on the hamster wheel of working full-time, especially now that I had two kids to juggle. But fortunately, I was able to work out an arrangement in which I consulted for my former employer two days a week while the girls went to the child care center we all loved.

Though a blend of working part-time and staying home with the kids part-time proved to be the right combo for me, the choices I made may or may not fit you. You’re the only one who can determine that.

The purpose of my telling you all this isn’t to throw cold water on the idea of staying home with the kids. I am grateful that I figured out how to spend more time with the kids when they were little, and if I had it to do over again, I would still make the same choices.

My reason for telling you about my experience is so that you have more than just the trad wife version to go on when considering what life at home with kids really looks like.

Thing #2: Whenever a chorus of voices seeks to influence your life choices, you should carefully consider whether what they’re promoting aligns with what you truly want

Having been a full-time working mom and then a part-time stay-at-home one, I will say that there’s no denying that professional ambitions and motherhood are often on a collision course. Muting your work ambitions to turn full attention to hearth and home can seem like a simple solution.

But the reality is that life choices like these are complex, and they can be made more complicated because there will always be voices out there trying to encourage you to do what they believe is best.

If you read the history books, there was a big push to get all the Rosie the Riveters back into the home again to make room in the workplace for returning servicemen after World War II. Voices in the culture encouraged women to return to child rearing and homemaking.

In the 80s, when I was in college, the dominant narrative was that you could be a woman who had it all. Feminism had gained a lot of ground in the 70s, and some were eager to see as many foot soldiers as possible remain in the workplace even after we reproduced, so we wouldn’t lose any ground. (Of course, it was on us to find suitable child care arrangements and figure out how to juggle all the tasks that come along with having whole other humans you’re responsible for.)

Now, here we are, a quarter of the way into the 21st century, and trad wives are trying to influence women to forego the workplace and focus on their families and domesticity. Some contend that the trad wife lifestyle is just what we need to help to reverse America’s declining fertility rate.

In the face of any movement that seeks to influence your life choices, it’s wise to recognize that the voices may have a vested interest in promoting a particular lifestyle, which may or may not align with what you really want.

Your ultimate goal should always be figuring out the combination of work and parenthood that’s right for your family. Here are some things to consider:

Beware of making any life choices based on the highlight reels someone else posts on social media.

You already know that the life someone presents on Instagram or TikTok doesn’t always match the messier realities offscreen. Staying home with the kids is nowhere near as glamorous as portrayed by the trad wives. Neither is all of the striving and work hours required to become a girl boss.

It is unwise for anyone to make career choices without evaluating how those choices fit with the rest of their life.

In his book, The Search, Bruce Feiler notes that the idea of separating your life from your work is a legacy of a time when the workplace was dominated by men and someone else took care of the laundry, the kids, and the aging parents. According to Feiler, the happiest people understand that their lives are inseparable from their work.

Thus, family responsibilities are a valid factor to consider when making work choices. In fact, as a result of his research, Feiler concluded that the single biggest influence in people’s decisions about work–from what jobs they sought to what jobs they accepted to what jobs they quit–was their lives outside of work. (You can learn more about The Search, which was featured as a TYMSHTY Book of Wisdom a few months ago, here.)

If having a family is on your bucket list, the best thing you can do for yourself is to give yourself options.

No one truly knows how they will feel about returning to work after the baby arrives until after the baby arrives. If you can set the stage financially, occupationally, locationally, or otherwise to have some flexibility when the time comes, you are wise to do so.

You are the only one qualified to decide what lifestyle would work best for your family.

When you encounter voices–whether they urge you to maintain your career at all costs or they encourage you to stay home and have a lot of babies–the most valuable thing you can do is consider whether what they’re encouraging you to do aligns with what your own inner voice is saying to you. Also key–what is your spouse’s inner voice saying? In the end, those are the only two voices that matter.

Here’s to everyone pursuing the life choices that best suit them.

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Meet the Brownlows. My husband and I came across them on a trip through the English countryside. In the 17th century, it was common for the English aristocracy to commission marble statues of themselves to stand outside their burial vaults, displaying their wealth and ensuring they’d be remembered.

If you’re going to the trouble of having a stone statue made in your image, I bet you think long and hard about how you wish to be represented.

When we came across the Brownlows, I joked that if I were commissioning a statue of myself, I’d be holding my “Black Book”--the paper planner in which I record my appointments and everything I want to accomplish.

I acquired my Black Book when I “semi-retired” from the workforce to spend more time with the kids. When I downshifted from the structured, fast-paced world of Corporate America, I was floundering. Though I was only in charge of a two-year-old and a newborn and had no profit goals for the year, I struggled to make order out of the chaos.

Desperate to reclaim some semblance of a routine, organized world, I turned to the tool that had kept my professional life on track, ordering a Day Minder Weekly/Monthly Planner to keep on our kitchen desk.

My Black Book proved to be the compass I needed. It became like my operations manual. If you ask my husband or daughters, they will tell you it seems as if few things happen in my life unless they are first written in my Black Book.

The Black Book has helped me keep all my plates spinning. I just have to remember two things to keep its power in check.

The Black Book is a good servant but a bad master

Though my Black Book helps me keep all of the balls in the air, I have to watch that it doesn’t become the boss of me.

If I let myself, I can become the worst manager I’ve ever had, assigning myself more tasks than I can reasonably tackle in a week. When that happens, I end up feeling bad about myself.

What I’ve learned to do instead is to look at the “Important Matters This Week” list and consider whether I’d burden an employee I valued with the same number of assignments. Then I adjust accordingly.

I also try to remember that even if I don’t cross everything off my to-do list, it doesn’t mean that I’ve failed. As long as I’ve done my best to tackle the list, prioritizing those things that can’t fall through the cracks without causing major disruption, I’ve done enough.

After all, we’re meant to be human beings, not human doings.

What matters most can never be at the mercy of what matters least

My Black Book helps me set my agenda, but I have to be careful.

There’s no denying that I get a little dopamine hit every time I cross something off my to-do list. That feeling of satisfaction from having accomplished a goal can be hard to beat.

But if I only seek those dopamine hits, there’s a risk of being so focused on getting things done that I might not always spend my time wisely.

There’s nothing wrong with having an agenda, but I have to leave space for other humans who might surface on any given day and require some of my attention: A friend who needs someone to listen and empathize. A family member who’s created a mess and could use some help cleaning it up. A random call from an older relative about nothing in particular, just because they want to talk.

I never know when something may mess with my agenda. And even when these things don’t come with the satisfaction of crossing something off my to-do list, I try to see them as opportunities to serve rather than as demands.

Sometimes those little things end up being the most significant things I invest my energy in all week. So I have to be careful to choose the better part when deciding how to spend my time.

A few years ago, I came across a quote from philosopher Lin Yutang that I wrote down and taped to the plastic inside cover of my Black Book:

“Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone.”

Here’s to all of us remembering these words as we make our way through 2026.

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Since it’s January, you’re bound to come across someone, or multiple someones, urging you to get your financial affairs in order as one of your New Year’s resolutions. Maybe you’re tempted to avoid the subject because it’s scary and overwhelming. But deep down, you know that sooner or later you need to make sure you’re building a firm financial foundation for your life.  

Though I’m not a financial advisor, I was once a 20-something, just like you, who had to figure it all out. So today, in the interest of helping you find your way toward fiscal sanity without being overwhelmed, I’d like to share my journey and some basic principles that may help you get a handle on your financial affairs.  

I was 24 when I was launched into the brave new world of being financially responsible for myself. I’d lived at home after college while I went to grad school, so I’d had a brief reprieve from dealing with the real world in its entirety. But then I graduated in December, started my first full-time job in January, bought a house with my soon-to-be husband in March, and got married in May.  

During those months, I was so busy assembling my big-girl life that I didn’t have time to ponder the gravity of my new reality. But once we returned from the honeymoon, it hit me–though I had a partner with me for better or worse, I was now in charge of my own financial destiny. 

Although we hadn’t stretched beyond our means to buy our house (the bank wouldn’t have let that happen), we did have to be careful with our money. Fortunately, many people had given us cash gifts for our wedding, which gave us a bit of a cushion. But with a mortgage payment and two car loans, the days of only needing to fund clothes shopping, entertainment, and personal expenses were over for good. 

Since I had only ever lived with my parents or in a dorm, I spent those first few months amazed at how many bills kept arriving in the mail—for the phone, the electricity, the water, the trash, the sewer, etc. It wasn’t like I didn’t know we’d have the expenses or how we’d pay them. I was just stunned by the regularity with which the bills kept coming.

Some days, it seemed like I’d no sooner pay one bill and another one would appear. Luckily, my husband was a veteran of two apartment leases, so he was there to assure me that it was all perfectly normal. 

We’d both grown up in families that had always been disciplined about money, so at least we were on the same page about meeting our obligations. In fact, once we built a little savings cushion, we could probably live relatively well as a double-income no-kids couple. Presumably our salaries would increase over time.

But deep down, I knew we had to have an eye on the big picture because we had some long-term goals too. For one thing, we wanted to travel before we had kids–a trip to Europe was definitely on our bucket list. My husband knew that grad school would be part of his future sooner or later. And even though retirement seemed a ridiculously long time off, it was hard to ignore the financial planning gurus’ warnings to start contributing to a 401K. (Catch up on the basics of what you need to know about a 401K here.)

Plus becoming a homeowner came with its own wish list. We wanted to redecorate the house to make it more our style. Some rooms were missing furniture or filled with hand-me-downs that weren’t what I had in mind for the long haul. 

And then there were dreams of things that were years away, but that we couldn’t entirely ignore if we eventually wanted to see them happen. While we were delighted to have a house of our own, we both imagined living in a charming older house large enough to accommodate a couple of kids someday. And though I didn’t think much about it so as not to totally overwhelm myself, having a family was surely going to involve a whole other series of expenses. 

Clearly we had to come up with a strategy. We didn’t create a financial master plan (maybe some people do, but I didn’t know anyone in their 20s who did). But we began educating ourselves on the topics we needed to understand so we could develop principles for dealing with our finances.  

If you’re ready to start or are in the process of getting your own financial house in order, here are 12 guiding principles we followed that might help.

Get a handle on your expenses and develop a system

Initially, I was tossing bills willy-nilly into an empty kitchen drawer. It didn’t take long to realize that a filing system was in order, not just because I’d eventually want that kitchen drawer back but also because I needed a better handle on our finances. 

It got easier to make peace with bills being a routine part of life once I got my arms around our expenses, when they occurred, and how the outflows matched up with the paychecks landing in our bank account.

Even if most of your financial transactions are online and you’re not dealing with paper, you need a system to ensure bills are paid on time, so you can easily retrace your steps when necessary, and so you have an overall picture of your obligations.

It sounds basic, but understanding how your expenses match your available funds is essential. 

Make a budget 

When you get right down to it, the essence of any financial plan is just math. Money comes into your bank account, and it goes out. If you don’t have a handle on the figures, you’re in trouble. As management guru Peter Drucker famously said, “If you can't measure it, you can't manage it.” 

Your budget doesn’t have to be complicated. Calculating the revenue should be easy if you’re receiving a steady paycheck. As for the expenses, start by filling in what you know. 

As with most things in the 21st century, apps are available to help you track your spending, and most credit cards can help you analyze your spending by category. 

Once you can see it all in black and white, group the expenses into three buckets–fixed (those you can’t change easily), semi-discretionary (for those you have some control over), and discretionary (for those you have complete control of). This will make it easier for you to identify those expenses you can trim if you need to or want to.

It can feel a little harder to trim semi-discretionary expenses like, for instance, those associated with a friend’s wedding. But it’s not impossible—here are some ideas.

Identify longer-term goals and hang a price tag on them

How do you get to any destination if you don’t know where you want to go? I know the phrase “longer-term goals” wigs some people out. But it shouldn’t. A long-term goal doesn’t mean that all of the details for what you want are sketched in or that you know precisely how you will achieve it. But it’s the starting point for developing a plan. 

For instance, we knew we wanted to travel to Europe. Identifying the goal helped frame a plan. We read about potential destinations. We drafted an itinerary. Then we priced flights and hotel stays. This gave us a number and helped us calculate when we’d have enough money saved to make the trip. (Read all about what we got wrong on that trip here.)

Later on, we considered a trip to Australia and New Zealand. But when I hung a price tag on that trip, it became clear we wouldn’t be able to take it and still have enough money for a down payment on a larger house. So we deferred that dream.

It would be nice if you could do everything you want, but sometimes you have to make choices. You may not be able to achieve all of your long-term goals as soon as you would like (I’m still hoping we get to Australia someday), but the price tag exercise can help you reach some of them.

Don’t spend all the money you earn

How much of your earnings should go into savings is a larger question that I won’t get into. But intuitively, you know some of your earnings should go into savings. 

For one thing, you need a rainy-day fund to cover emergencies like losing your job and large, unexpected bills (most experts suggest having enough to cover three to six months’ worth of expenses). For another, you’ll need to accumulate funds to meet your longer-term goals, like buying a house or taking a big trip. 

Delay gratification sometimes

Especially for those expenses that are discretionary or semi-discretionary, it’s wise to assess whether whatever you spend your money on delivers enough value for you. 

For instance, while it’s fun to go out to a nice restaurant for dinner, or sometimes it’s more convenient to hit a drive-through for dinner, those are more expensive ways of feeding yourself. With so many things on our wish list in those early years, we limited how often we ate out. I was willing to sacrifice the pleasure of not having to cook a meal so we’d have more money in our savings account to fund travel or tackle a home improvement project.

We also recognized that it might take a few years to furnish our house the way we ultimately wanted. So we lived with empty rooms and hand-me-down furnishings for a while. It was just as well because it took us some time to figure out what we wanted anyway.

Trim expenses where you can

This is one of the most straightforward recommendations to make, though it takes some research on your part to make it happen. Sometimes you can save money by simply shopping around, whether for phone service or car insurance. Seeking out deals makes your money go further.

Don’t carry a balance on your credit cards

We tried to think of credit cards as a convenient form of payment rather than as a “rich uncle” ready to chip in whenever we wanted something. We didn’t want to pay interest on routine purchases, so we paid our credit card bills in full every month.   

These days credit cards make it extremely easy to buy almost anything you want as soon as you want it. However, you should recognize that if you don’t pay your credit card bill in full every month, you’re paying a premium for whatever you buy–be it groceries or a pair of jeans. 

The average interest rate on a credit card right now is 24%. So if you carry a balance on your credit card, every $100 you spend costs you $124. Check your monthly statement, and you’ll see stats on how long it will take you to pay off your current balance if you only make the minimum payment and how much it will cost you in interest if you carry your balance that long. Buckle your seatbelt because those may be sobering numbers. But better to see it now than to spend all that extra money without recognizing it.

Credit cards can serve you well if you use them responsibly. Check out my deeper dive for details on how to do so.

For larger purchases, save for a down payment and look for the most economical way to pay for it over time

Most people pay for items with larger price tags (furniture, appliances, cars) over time. But whenever you finance a purchase, you still should have a repayment plan in mind that minimizes your borrowing time.

Our dining room was empty for the first two and a half years we lived in our house. As much as I longed for the dining room set that we fell in love with, for months we contented ourselves with occasional visits to the furniture store to admire it while we saved. 

Retailers often offer deals that allow you to take delivery and make no payments, or at least not pay any interest, for six months or a year. This provides affordable payments and a good running start toward paying off large purchases without incurring a lot of interest charges. 

Look for opportunities to increase inflows

Though most of the attention for a household budget is typically trained on expenses, don’t forget there’s always the option of trying to increase revenue too. Once you have some job experience, keep an eye out for promotion opportunities that will allow you to cash in on the skills you’ve acquired. Or consider if there’s a side hustle that would allow you to earn some extra money.

Do some of the work yourself

Sometimes you must pay somebody to perform services you can’t do yourself. For instance, we never handled our own plumbing or car repairs. But we turned painting and replacing the bathroom tile into do-it-yourself projects. And though I did not love cleaning bathrooms or cleaning the house in general, we did that ourselves too. 

You can pay someone to perform almost any service you can think of instead of doing it yourself. But it’s wise to consider whether paying someone to deliver fast food to your door or to give you a manicure is worth it to you when you could do those things yourself.

Put the money you’re saving someplace where it earns money for you

You may not have a lot of extra funds. But hopefully you have or are building that rainy day savings fund you’re supposed to have. There’s no reason that this money can’t be working for you. Look for high-yield savings accounts or no-penalty-for-early-withdrawal CDs to stash these funds in. 

And even when it comes to buying things, you can cash in on some perks with a credit card that pays you cash back at the end of the year or that earns you flight miles or hotel nights.

Don’t rely upon things that cost money to fill you up

Who among us hasn’t purchased something–even something as simple as clothing–because we believe it will make us feel better about ourselves? But if I had one wish for you, it’s that you discover the truth in the song “The Best Things in Life Are Free” sooner rather than later. 

The most satisfying experiences in your life will come about via people, not through stuff. And the sooner you discover this, you’ll be happier and have more money in your bank account.

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Oh Christmas tree!

See the Conrad family enjoying Christmas 1978. Everyone looks merry. Mom and Dad are celebrating a happy second Christmas in their dream house on the suburban prairie. Joanne and Rick have that special Christmas glow that comes from knowing they still have a whole week off from school ahead of them.

Note also that the Christmas tree is still vertical.

My father insisted on getting a live tree every year, even though my frugal mother would have been perfectly happy with an artificial tree.

That year, either my father picked a tree that was too big for the stand, or he really overdid it with the garland and tinsel, as one often did in the ‘70s. But whatever it was, the tree toppled over.

As it happened, I was in the next room making a mixtape on my new tape recorder when it fell. It wasn’t a loud crash, but the tinkling sound of breaking glass ornaments was unmistakable.

I alerted my dad, who was upstairs at the time, and he came down the stairs cursing like the father fixing the furnace in the movie “A Christmas Story.” He knew this would give my mom one more argument in favor of an artificial tree.

After we cleaned up and my father anchored the tree to the ceiling with a wire, I realized I’d captured my father’s entire tirade on tape.

Having an animated stream of obscenities over top of mellow ‘70s soft rock was hysterical. But since I didn’t want to inflame the situation further, I erased the tape.

If only I had been brave enough to save it—’twould have been an authentic Conrad Family Christmas soundtrack that I could have released at a more opportune moment.

What’s the point of telling this tale of minor Christmas calamity and parental profanity?

It’s to remind you to keep your eyes and ears open this week for the holiday memories you’ll want to carry with you through time. With any luck, there will be at least one incident that will make a good story to entertain your friends and family later.

Happy New Year!

For more stories like this, follow me on IG. I’m marking a big birthday in 2026, and I’ll be celebrating every Throwback Thursday with a snapshot from my life on the 0s (10, 20...) and the 5s (15, 25…)