Things Your Mom Should Have Told You

Things Your Mom Should Have Told You

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30 Lessons for Loving

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According to Karl Pillemer, “In contemporary society, the search for love and lasting relationships has become complex and difficult. Shifting norms about marriage and love have made finding a mate and deciding to commit more confusing.”
Said Karl Pillemer, “I wondered: Could we learn from people who have navigated the turbulent waters of marriage and reached the end of the voyage? Why not go to the source–the oldest Americans who have vast experience of love and committed relationships?”
Karl Pillemer, a sociologist, conducted the largest in-depth interview study ever done of people in very long marriages–hundreds of individuals who have been in one relationship for 30, 40, 50 years, and more.
According to Karl Pillemer, “The oldest members of our society have one advantage over the rest of us: They have lived their lives…For them, it’s no longer a mystery as to how everything will turn out–it’s already happened.”
“They know what became of youthful expectations and hopes, what barriers and obstacles life threw up along the way, and in some cases what it’s like when the relationship ends,” said Karl Pillemer.
Finding the one: Before he began interviewing the “Experts,” Pillemer asked young people what questions they wanted answered about love, marriage, and relationships. “To my surprise there was one burning question for men and women. And so it was among the first questions I asked: How do I know for certain that a person is the right one for me?”
Finding the one: According to Karl Pillemer, “I have heard many 20-somethings list criteria for a partner along these lines: is good-looking, has a good job, is funny, has a nice personality, and shares similar interests. Such factors, however, are not what you most need to identify before making a commitment, according to the experts.”
Finding the one: “There is unanimity among the experts: You will have a better chance at marriage if your partner values the same things in life that you do. In fact, core similarity makes marriage so much easier that you may not notice it. When you and your partner see the world in essentially the same way, marriage often seems to move along in a harmonious and untroubled flow,” said Karl Pillemer.
Tips for choosing a partner: Said Karl Pillemer: “I now want to share with you the experts’ 5 insider tips for avoiding a bad marriage decision. #1: Spend time in challenging and unusual situations.”
Tips for choosing a partner According to Karl Pillemer, “Before the relationship has gone on too long, they want you to see your partner at his or her worst–or if not the worst, at least in a stressful and challenging situation…One common suggestion was an outdoor adventure of some kind where you are forced to step out of your comfort zone.”
Tips for choosing a partner “Some experts proposed that you can test your commitment by taking a long car trip with just the two of you. Or try painting a room together (or some other complex household chore that requires cooperation),” said Karl Pillemer. Idea: Try assembling a piece of Ikea furniture together.
Choosing a Mate for the Long Haul According to Karl Pillemer: “Not to rain on anyone’s parade, but I can only tell you what the experts told me–from people who say their relationship is the best thing that ever happened to those who struggle daily to stay together. According to the oldest Americans: Marriage is hard. The experts are 700 Older Americans interviewed about the lessons they learned during long marriages
Choosing a Mate for the Long Haul According to Karl Pillemer: “One expert told me: ‘Be sure, when you do get married to think beyond the wedding. Think to what life will be. What everyday life will be. Not your date nights, not wonderful vacations.”
Choosing a Mate for the Long Haul “But think about: Are you going to be able to reasonably and rationally and pleasantly deal with one another through the dirty laundry, the stack of dishes, the house that needs cleaning, the–whatever?” said Karl Pillemer.
Secrets for Surviving Stress According to Karl Pillemer,“Looking back over long experience, the experts have learned an invaluable secret to married life. It may seem unrealistic. It may even seem like magical thinking. But they recommend one particular strategy for some stressful situations…” The experts are 700 Older Americans interviewed about the lessons they learned during long marriages
Secrets for Surviving Stress “Wait. Looking back over the marital journey, it is astonishing how many things just got better over time. The seemingly unbearable stress of your teenager’s nastiness; the difficulty staying engaged in home life when work is difficult; the anxiety of limited financial resources…” said Karl Pillemer.
Secrets for Surviving Stress According to Karl Pillemer, “If a decision is not absolutely urgent, the experts say you may simply want to let the problem rest for a while and revisit it later. Bad times pass. Simply getting through them, while resisting the temptation to give up, may be the best strategy.”
Think Like an Expert Lesson #5 According to Karl Pillemer, “Almost all of the elders I interviewed made this cautionary statement: Getting married based on a plan to change your partner is a terrible mistake…Treating your spouse as a do-it-yourself project is a recipe for failure.” The experts are 700 Older Americans interviewed about the lessons they learned during long marriages
Think Like an Expert Lesson #5 “Many people do assume they can change their partner’s problem behaviors, annoying traits, choices of friends, and even connections to family. Most of the elders had made that mistake themselves, and they have seen it in their children and grandchildren,” said Karl Pillemer.
Think Like an Expert Lesson #5 “The elders want you to resist this kind of thinking and to stop every time you find yourself saying, ‘I don’t like X about John/Jane, but I’ll make him/her change.’ They tell you bluntly that such thinking, in their terms, is ‘foolish’ or ‘stupid,’” said Karl Pillemer.
Keeping the Spark Alive Lesson #1 “According to the elders, gifts are expected on the official occasions and probably necessary. But what keeps the spark alive is the unexpected kind gesture. In fact, there is nothing more effective in keeping a relationship warm, supportive, and fun than making a habit of doing small, positive things,” said Karl Pillemer. The experts are 700 Older Americans interviewed about the lessons they learned during long marriages
Keeping the Spark Alive Lesson #1 According to Karl Pillemer, “One expert said,’There is one practical piece of advice I have given my children…And that’s when you wake up in the morning, think, ‘What can I do to make his or her day just a little happier?’ The idea is you need to turn toward each other and focus on the other person, even just for that 5 minutes when you first wake up. It’s going to make a big difference in your relationship.”
© 2025 Joanne McHugh
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