Great relationships are built, not discovered

Logan Ury on how to propel yourself towards a great love story

Joanne McHugh

Feb 18, 2025

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View your love life as a series of choices

“Selecting a partner is already an incredibly daunting task, one weighed down with cultural baggage, bad advice, and societal and familial pressure,” said Logan Ury.

“Great relationships are built, not discovered. A lasting relationship doesn’t just happen. It is the culmination of a series of decisions,” according to Logan Ury.

“Make good decisions, and you propel yourself toward a great love story. Make bad ones, and you veer off course, doomed to repeat the same harmful patterns over and over,” said Logan Ury.

Be smart about who’s in your pool of partners

“The older we get, the more set in our ways we are, and the more we crave someone who will easily fit into our lives…Research tells us that similar personalities are not a predictor of long-term relationship success,” said Logan Ury.

“We make our potential pool of partners smaller by mistakenly eliminating people who are not similar enough to us…In the end, a relationship is not about who each of you is separately, it’s about what happens when the two of you come together,” said Logan Ury.

According to Logan Ury, “Seek Life Partners: people who are trustworthy and reliable and who will stay with you for the long haul. Avoid Prom Dates: Individuals who are fun in the short term but ultimately let you down.”

Don’t be a ditcher or a hitcher

7.3: “To figure out whether to stay or go, consider your historical tendencies and determine if you’ve given the relationship a fair chance,” said Logan Ury.

“Ditchers leave relationships too quickly…They confuse falling in love with being in love, and expect the whole relationship to offer that initial excitement. They underestimate the opportunity cost of learning how to make relationships work,” said Logan Ury.

“Hitchers stay in relationships too long. Hitchers are affected by cognitive biases like the sunk-cost fallacy and loss aversion. Hitchers forgo the opportunity to find a more satisfying partnership,” said Logan Ury.

According to Logan Ury, “When you’ve decided you want to break up with someone, it’s time to make a plan. Think through what you’re going to say and when and where you’re going to say it. Be kind but firm.”

Wait and talk before you tie the knot

“Couples who wait 1-2 years before getting engaged are 20% less likely to get divorced than those who wait under a year before putting a ring on it. Couples who wait at least 3 years before engagement are 39% less likely to get divorced than those who get engaged before a year,” according to Logan Ury.

“Divorce lawyers say that couples often make the same big mistake when considering marriage: They’re so fond of each other that they assume the other person wants the same things in life,” said Logan Ury.

“Before you decide to tie the knot, you should have conversations about the past, the present, and the future. And it’s crucial to make time to discuss topics like money, sex, religion, and children,” according to Logan Ury.

In the olden days, moms used to clip articles from newspapers for their kids if they thought it was something they needed to know. I’m keeping an eye out for things that you might have missed that may be helpful to you.

This week’s clips:

How can we do something to help address the ever-growing list of problems in the world? Humans Leading reminds that the small things are actually the big things when it comes to making an impact. Dr. Jillian Bybee also shares links to keep you from doomscrolling.

Dr. Laurie Santos of The Happiness Lab highlights three things rom-coms get right about love (a quick read). For a deeper dive, check out the Love Factually podcast, in which two social psychologists analyze your favorite rom-com through the lens of relationship science.

After a decade of interviewing and studying more than a thousand workers, Harvard researchers identified the one key skill that the most successful job seekers have in common–🥁 networking. CNBC Make It explains how to make networking less awkward and more effective.

Coming up with the downpayment for a house can seem daunting, but there are more assistance programs than you think, especially for first-time homebuyers. The New York Times money adviser explains (The Down Payment Resource site it mentions has a pretty nifty tool.)

“A bird sitting in a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking - its trust is in its wings, not the branch.” Shit You Should Care About offers 30 little life mantras to help bring you some peace.

Things Your Mom Should Have Told You

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