How quickly do the most significant life challenges of your 20s resolve?
What a throwback photo writing assignment revealed
I love throwback photos. Two years ago, to celebrate my birthday, I chose images that represented my life “on the 7s”–at ages 7, 17, 27, etc.--and posted them on Instagram. In the captions for each age, I noted what I was looking forward to, my biggest challenge, my guilty pleasure, and the biggest surprise that year.
When you rewind your life in this way, it’s remarkable to see how drastically your life evolves from decade to decade.
I decided to throw myself a little IG party again this year (the type of party only a writer would love haha) and reminisce about my life “on the 9s”.
This time around, I noticed something about my young adulthood years. What I cited as my biggest challenges when I was 19 and 29 – both big-picture, life-goal kinds of things – ended up being resolved within a year or so of when they qualified as the things most likely to keep me up at night.
I wanted to see if this phenomenon was just a matter of me having my rose-colored glasses on, so I pulled out a photo from my half-decade too, and considered what my biggest challenge was when I was 24 to see if the principle still held. And it did.
Today I’d like to share a little show-and-tell that illustrates that no matter how daunting the life challenges you face as a young adult may seem, chances are that they will resolve themselves, perhaps even sooner than you think.
Hey 19
Scene here: As an eyewitness to one of the greatest concerts of the 20th century–Live Aid, I have the rare pleasure of being present at the center of the cultural universe for a day. The restrooms flood, it’s hot as hell, but I get to see Mick Jagger move like, well, Jagger as he duets with Tina Turner. Lionel Ritchie leads an all-star choir singing “We Are the World.” And my homies, Hall and Oates, take the stage with their idols, the Temptations. Truly an epic day.
My biggest life challenge: I want to be in a relationship, but I can’t find that special someone
Though I should be enjoying what conventional wisdom says are the best years of my life, I feel like something is missing. I would like to be in a relationship with a significant other, but I’ve had limited success on that front.
I had expected that Mr. Wonderful would be sitting on Villanova’s campus, just waiting for me to arrive. This, of course, did not happen.
However, since I am so goal-oriented and Villanova was a large school, I managed to find myself a boyfriend before the end of the first semester of my freshman year. But I didn’t feel much of a connection with this guy, and having a boyfriend didn’t make me as happy as I thought it would. Within weeks, I ended it.
No other boyfriend candidates have emerged since then, which I was generally okay with since I now understand that dating someone simply for the sake of having a boyfriend isn’t worth it.
But still, I want to find someone who I can have a meaningful and permanent relationship with.
When and how my challenge resolves: Seven months after I turn 19, I go out on a date with a guy from my high school circle of friends.
That summer I was 19, whenever the gang gets together at the Ground Round or to play mini golf, this friend is friendly and sometimes even a little flirty, but things never go anywhere, which is puzzling. That fall, we still see each other occasionally, and the confusing signals continue. When I can’t take it anymore, I take a risk and make the suggestion–”I think we should try dating.” He agrees.
My dating hypothesis proves correct. And soon we aren’t just trying to date, we are dating. I remember one of my Villanova friends asking me whether I had put a voodoo curse on this guy because she couldn’t believe how quickly we'd become a couple. But the reality was that no curse was necessary. Once both of us decided we were all in, that was it.
Although I couldn’t have done anything to resolve this challenge sooner, I found my person. Three years later, we will get engaged on the anniversary of our first date.
24-Carat Magic
Scene here: Here we are–the newlyweds–posing in front of the house we bought. Our three-bedroom colonial on a half-acre lot backs up to wooded open space with a creek, and it’s kind of like Barbie and Ken have moved into their suburban dream house. It's a trip to be living in our very own home sweet home, but many days, I greet my new husband after work with a litany of what’s wrong.
My biggest life challenge: I hate my job
While I should focus on being a blissful newlywed, I spend most of that summer and fall annoyed because of how much I dislike my first real job. In hindsight, there was nothing inherently wrong with the job itself. It has more to do with the fact that the job didn’t match my preferences.
First job, why did I hate you? Let me count the ways. I am the token M.B.A. in a market research agency that values people with PhDs. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am “less than” everybody else. I hate commuting into the city every day on SEPTA. I would have much rather been working in a suburban office park on the corporate side of market research–kind of like the internship I had while I was getting my master’s degree.
I am frustrated that, despite doing everything I was supposed to do, I have yet to find a job that financially rewards and delights me.
When and how my challenge resolves: One month before I turn 25, I start a new job working for the international division of a Big Pharma company in the burbs.
The job I disliked so much provides me with the experience I need to land what is close to a dream job. I receive a 25% salary bump, and I will have the opportunity to travel to many destinations around the world.
It finally feels like all the schooling, internships, and resume-building have paid off. It ultimately becomes the beginning of a long and beautiful employment relationship that will last nearly 20 years.
The first time I turned 29
Scene here: My husband and I are on a Zodiac boat tour of Kauai’s Na Pali Coast. While I appreciate all the globetrotting I’ve been able to do thanks to my job and its frequent flyer miles, I'm happy to sit on the beach and read for most of the two weeks of our Hawaiian vacation.
My biggest life challenge: I’m not sure how to fit a baby into our life
Our original plan was to start a family when we were 28. Then we revised the plan to 30 when we were having so much fun on our DINK pleasure cruise. Now it’s about time to pull the trigger, and I’m still not sure I’m ready to make the leap into motherhood.
I have always wanted to have kids, but am I ready to be someone’s mother? We have always said that we want to live in an old house; would it make sense to buy our next house before starting a family? I love my job, but how will I feel about it once we have a baby? Will I want to stay home with the baby? Where will the baby spend her days if I continue working? Many questions remain unanswered, and they are all intricately intertwined.
I feel like my photo could appear next to the definition of “conflicted” in the dictionary.
When and how my challenge resolves: A year after this Hawaiian photo, we start trying for a baby.
As I got closer to turning 30, I knew it didn’t make sense to keep putting off having a baby indefinitely just because of my quandary. Given that we had always said we would like to have three or four children, we were approaching the point where we couldn’t afford to delay having a baby much further.
It had become apparent that there was no way to definitively resolve all the questions swirling around and feel completely comfortable before we take a flying leap into parenthood.
The first of three children will arrive during the fall when I am 31. And we do figure out where to put the baby when I return to work.
Thanks to this little throwback photo writing assignment, I have come to realize that life will always feature a “biggest challenge.” The characters on whatever drama you’re streaming right now aren’t the only ones who will always have some sort of life situation that they must figure out how to navigate as best they can.
Maybe those life challenges help shape us into the people we’re meant to be, while offering the kind of dramatic tension that adds a little spice to life.
IMHO, part of what makes your 20s so exhausting is that you always seem to be grappling with the kind of big stuff you’re bound to encounter during the phase of life when a lot of assembly is required.
The key thing to remember when you’re in the thick of it is this: The challenges you encounter may seem like insurmountable obstacles that you’re never going to get past. But chances are that, thanks to some combination of time, circumstances, the people in your life, divine providence, and your own ingenuity and life skills, the challenge will resolve one way or another.
The kicker is that the challenge will be replaced in due course by another one, because you know, that’s how life works. So hang in there, and remember–your life challenges are a feature, not a bug.