How to build a marriage that lasts, according to the real experts

What 700 Long-married Americans told Karl Pillemer

Joanne McHugh

Jul 22, 2025

According to Karl Pillemer, “The oldest members of our society have one advantage over the rest of us: They have lived their lives…For them, it’s no longer a mystery as to how everything will turn out–it’s already happened.”

“They know what became of youthful expectations and hopes, what barriers and obstacles life threw up along the way, and in some cases what it’s like when the relationship ends,” said Karl Pillemer.

Karl Pillemer, a sociologist, conducted the largest in-depth interview study ever done of people in very long marriages–hundreds of individuals who have been in one relationship for 30, 40, 50 years, and more.

Secrets for Surviving Stress According to Karl Pillemer,“Looking back over long experience, the experts have learned an invaluable secret to married life. It may seem unrealistic. It may even seem like magical thinking. But they recommend one particular strategy for some stressful situations…” The experts are 700 Older Americans interviewed about the lessons they learned during long marriages

Secrets for Surviving Stress “Wait. Looking back over the marital journey, it is astonishing how many things just got better over time. The seemingly unbearable stress of your teenager’s nastiness; the difficulty staying engaged in home life when work is difficult; the anxiety of limited financial resources…” said Karl Pillemer.

Secrets for Surviving Stress According to Karl Pillemer, “If a decision is not absolutely urgent, the experts say you may simply want to let the problem rest for a while and revisit it later. Bad times pass. Simply getting through them, while resisting the temptation to give up, may be the best strategy.”

Think Like an Expert Lesson #5 According to Karl Pillemer, “Almost all of the elders I interviewed made this cautionary statement: Getting married based on a plan to change your partner is a terrible mistake…Treating your spouse as a do-it-yourself project is a recipe for failure.” The experts are 700 Older Americans interviewed about the lessons they learned during long marriages

Think Like an Expert Lesson #5 “Many people do assume they can change their partner’s problem behaviors, annoying traits, choices of friends, and even connections to family. Most of the elders had made that mistake themselves, and they have seen it in their children and grandchildren,” said Karl Pillemer.

Think Like an Expert Lesson #5 “The elders want you to resist this kind of thinking and to stop every time you find yourself saying, ‘I don’t like X about John/Jane, but I’ll make him/her change.’ They tell you bluntly that such thinking, in their terms, is ‘foolish’ or ‘stupid,’” said Karl Pillemer.

Keeping the Spark Alive Lesson #1 “According to the elders, gifts are expected on the official occasions and probably necessary. But what keeps the spark alive is the unexpected kind gesture. In fact, there is nothing more effective in keeping a relationship warm, supportive, and fun than making a habit of doing small, positive things,” said Karl Pillemer. The experts are 700 Older Americans interviewed about the lessons they learned during long marriages

Keeping the Spark Alive Lesson #1 According to Karl Pillemer, “One expert said,’There is one practical piece of advice I have given my children…And that’s when you wake up in the morning, think, ‘What can I do to make his or her day just a little happier?’ The idea is you need to turn toward each other and focus on the other person, even just for that 5 minutes when you first wake up. It’s going to make a big difference in your relationship.”

The Things Your Mom Should Have Told You Book of the Month is 30 Lessons for Loving by Karl Pillemer

Tell someone you love about these Things

In the olden days, moms used to clip articles from newspapers for their kids if they thought it was something they needed to know. I’m keeping an eye out for things that you might have missed that may be helpful to you.

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Things Your Mom Should Have Told You

How to build a marriage that lasts, according to the real experts

What 700 Long-married Americans told Karl Pillemer

This week’s clips:

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