How to choose your spouse, according to the real experts

Karl Pillemer asked 700 Americans in very long marriages to share their secrets

Joanne McHugh

Jul 08, 2025

Click the cover image to go to Bookshop.org, where you can select a local bookstore to support. Your online order will be filled directly by their distributor, and the full profit from your purchase will be sent to your bookstore of choice.

According to Karl Pillemer, “In contemporary society, the search for love and lasting relationships has become complex and difficult. Shifting norms about marriage and love have made finding a mate and deciding to commit more confusing.”

Said Karl Pillemer, “I wondered: Could we learn from people who have navigated the turbulent waters of marriage and reached the end of the voyage? Why not go to the source–the oldest Americans who have vast experience of love and committed relationships?”

Karl Pillemer, a sociologist, conducted the largest in-depth interview study ever done of people in very long marriages–hundreds of individuals who have been in one relationship for 30, 40, 50 years, and more.

Finding the one: Before he began interviewing the “Experts,” Pillemer asked young people what questions they wanted answered about love, marriage, and relationships. “To my surprise there was one burning question for men and women. And so it was among the first questions I asked: How do I know for certain that a person is the right one for me?”

Finding the one: According to Karl Pillemer, “I have heard many 20-somethings list criteria for a partner along these lines: is good-looking, has a good job, is funny, has a nice personality, and shares similar interests. Such factors, however, are not what you most need to identify before making a commitment, according to the experts.”

Finding the one: “There is unanimity among the experts: You will have a better chance at marriage if your partner values the same things in life that you do. In fact, core similarity makes marriage so much easier that you may not notice it. When you and your partner see the world in essentially the same way, marriage often seems to move along in a harmonious and untroubled flow,” said Karl Pillemer.

Tips for choosing a partner: Said Karl Pillemer: “I now want to share with you the experts’ 5 insider tips for avoiding a bad marriage decision. #1: Spend time in challenging and unusual situations.”

Tips for choosing a partner According to Karl Pillemer, “Before the relationship has gone on too long, they want you to see your partner at his or her worst–or if not the worst, at least in a stressful and challenging situation…One common suggestion was an outdoor adventure of some kind where you are forced to step out of your comfort zone.”

Tips for choosing a partner “Some experts proposed that you can test your commitment by taking a long car trip with just the two of you. Or try painting a room together (or some other complex household chore that requires cooperation),” said Karl Pillemer. Idea: Try assembling a piece of Ikea furniture together.

Choosing a Mate for the Long Haul According to Karl Pillemer: “Not to rain on anyone’s parade, but I can only tell you what the experts told me–from people who say their relationship is the best thing that ever happened to those who struggle daily to stay together. According to the oldest Americans: Marriage is hard. The experts are 700 Older Americans interviewed about the lessons they learned during long marriages

Choosing a Mate for the Long Haul According to Karl Pillemer: “One expert told me: ‘Be sure, when you do get married to think beyond the wedding. Think to what life will be. What everyday life will be. Not your date nights, not wonderful vacations.”

Choosing a Mate for the Long Haul “But think about: Are you going to be able to reasonably and rationally and pleasantly deal with one another through the dirty laundry, the stack of dishes, the house that needs cleaning, the–whatever?” said Karl Pillemer.

The Things Your Mom Should Have Told You Book of the Month is 30 Lessons for Loving by Karl Pillemer

In the olden days, moms used to clip articles from newspapers for their kids if they thought it was something they needed to know. I’m keeping an eye out for things that you might have missed that may be helpful to you.

This week’s clips:

What’s wrong with ChatGPT glow-ups? Nicole James examines what we lose when we outsource our self-construction to somebody else.

Do the hacks for erasing student loan debt in those TikTok videos actually work? Experts warn that using one can inflict long-term financial damage.

What type of marriage is most likely to be successful? Therapist Dr. Kelly Flanagan explains why it’s one in which “losing” becomes a way of life.

Things Your Mom Should Have Told You

How to choose your spouse, according to the real experts

Karl Pillemer asked 700 Americans in very long marriages to share their secrets

This week’s clips:

Discussion about this post