Small choices in your 20s set the stage for the life you want in your 30s

Dr. Meg Jay explains why you’ll feel better if you start making plans

Joanne McHugh

Sep 16, 2025

“Our 20s are when we have to start creating our own sense of time, our own plans about how the years ahead will unfold…It is tempting to stay distracted and keep everything at a distance. But 20-somethings who live beyond time usually aren’t happy,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

“And these are supposed to be the best years of my life,” said a 20-something. Dr. Meg Jay said, “In my experience, these are the most uncertain and some of the most difficult years of life. Contrary to what we see and hear, reaching your potential isn’t even something that usually happens in your twenties–it happens in your thirties or forties or fifties. ”

“Some 20-somethings dream too small, not understanding that their 20-something choices matter and are, in fact, shaping the years ahead. Others dream too big, fueled more by fantasies about limitless possibilities than by experience. Part of realizing our potential is recognizing how our particular gifts and limitations fit with the world around us,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

Said a 20-something: “I get hung up thinking I should know if this is going to work out if I’m going to try it. It feels safer not to pick.” Said Dr. Meg Jay: “Not making choices isn’t safe. The consequences are just further away in time, like in your thirties or forties.”

“We imagine that if nothing happens in our twenties then everything is still possible in our thirties. We think that by avoiding decisions now, we keep all of our options open for later–but not making choices is a choice all the same,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

“When a lot has been left to do, there is enormous thirtysomething pressure to get ahead, get married, pick a city, make money, buy a house, enjoy life, go to graduate school, start a business, get a promotion, save for college and retirement, and have two or three children in a much shorter period of time. Many of these things are incompatible and, as research is just starting to show, simply harder to do all at the same time in our thirties,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

“Our 20s are when we have to start creating our own sense of time, our own plans about how the years ahead will unfold. It is difficult to know how to start our careers or when to start our families,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

“It is tempting to stay distracted and keep everything at a distance. But 20-somethings who live beyond time usually aren’t happy. It’s like living in a cave where we never know what time it is or what we ought to do or why, sometimes until it is too late,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

“Most 20-somethings can’t write the last sentence of their lives, but when pressed, they usually can identify things they want in their 30s or 40s or 60s–or things they don’t want–and work backward from there. This is how you have your own multigenerational epic with a happy ending. This is how you live your life in real time,” according to Dr. Meg Jay.

The Things Your Mom Should Have Told You Book of the Month is The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter–and How to Make the Most of Them Now by Dr. Meg Jay

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Things Your Mom Should Have Told You

Small choices in your 20s set the stage for the life you want in your 30s

Dr. Meg Jay explains why you’ll feel better if you start making plans

This week’s clips:

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