The secret to feeling deeply loved is simpler than you think

Lyubomirsky and Reis explain how feeling loved starts with you

Joanne McHugh

May 19, 2026

"Feeling more loved is not about making yourself more lovable…It’s not about getting the other person to think you’re wonderful. It’s not about trying to figure out what their love language is or what they want and forging yourself into that image. It’s not about fixing yourself…Yeah, we know: That’s a lot of nots. In this book, we will show that doing all those things might (sometimes) lead you to be admired but won’t lead you to feel loved," said Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis.

“If there are times when you want to feel more loved—you’re not alone…One of the most important things that you likely want from your relationships—probably the most important thing—is to feel loved, appreciated, and understood. To feel that the people in your life truly get you, value you, and love you is what makes life worth living,” said Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis.

“Many people do feel loved—but they’re not always sure what they’re doing right or how to make that feeling last. Others feel loved and want to feel it even more…And then there’s a pattern therapists know all too well: You’re doing your best to love someone—your partner, a parent, a close friend—but that person never seems to feel loved, no matter what you do. This book will help you understand why that happens and how you can help bridge that gap,” said Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis.

“Despite being frequently surrounded by others or constantly connected through devices, it’s common to still grapple with not feeling loved, either not feeling loved as deeply, or as often, as one would like or not feeling loved for the right reasons. Despite sharing many fun activities with friends or experiencing passion with lovers, many people still don’t feel loved in the way they want to feel loved. Furthermore, in order to feel more loved, many turn to strategies that seem intuitive and yet…don’t lead to the results they hope for,” said Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis.

“As researchers who have spent our entire careers studying happiness and connection, respectively, we came together to write How to Feel Loved to explain why feeling loved can seem so difficult, eluding even one’s most sincere efforts, and how to attain it. Drawing on empirical studies, established psychological theory, personal stories, and ancient wisdom, we will challenge your preconceived notions and show you (1) how to think differently about the people you care about and (2) how to approach differently your next opportunity to feel loved,” said Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis.

“Feeling loved is earned not through achieving perfection but through presenting more of your full self—your values, experiences, quirks, and dreams, even the small unpolished details of your daily life…Feeling loved isn’t just about revealing your flawed, imperfect self—it’s about revealing what truly matters to you…It means selectively and progressively revealing parts of yourself in a way that fosters genuine connection,” said Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis.

“Many people believe that in order to feel more loved, they must persuade others to love them more—as if they were trying to sell someone a new car. Years of empirical studies and observation suggest that this approach is ineffective. That’s why our message is different: Feeling loved is more—much more—about you (and your mindset) than about trying to persuade the other person that you are worthy,” said Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis.

“People often behave in ways that work against feeling loved…The more you hide your innermost self and the less of yourself you reveal to others, the harder it is to feel truly loved and valued by the significant people in your life. This is a principle strongly supported not only by anecdotal evidence but also by relationship science,” said Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis.

“When you focus on how you are coming across to others, your attention is drawn to what you are doing—for instance, trying to say just the right thing, while doing your best to make sure your shortcomings are hidden, so that you are seen as witty or attractive or brilliant. Ironically, this approach to relationships puts your attention in exactly the wrong place. As we explain, you’ll make the best impression when you focus your attention on the other person,” said Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis.

“Three things have to happen for you to feel loved: You have to share the complexity of your full, multifaceted self—both your strengths and your contradictions—with the other person. The other person has to notice what you’ve shared. The other person has to care about what you’ve shared,” said Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis.

“How do you increase the chances that the other person will notice and care? The answer is simple—you go first! That means you first need to notice and care—to show curiosity—about their multifaceted self…You encourage them to notice and care about your full self by first noticing and caring about their full self. To feel loved by them, you begin by making them feel loved by you,” said Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis.

“This reciprocal Relationship Sea-Saw is the cornerstone of feeling loved. When you express genuine interest in another person—not just going through the motions but truly listening, engaging with curiosity, and appreciating their many sides—you create mutual understanding and trust. And in doing so, you invite them to reciprocate. When someone feels deeply seen, valued, and understood by you, they become more willing, motivated, and even eager to do the same for you,” said Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis.

“People feel happiest in moments when they believe that others understand and respect them for who they truly are—for their deepest, unvarnished self. This book is our attempt to bring together well-being science and relationship science in a way that no one has quite done before…What we offer is less a self-help instruction manual and more a new way of seeing and relating. Because the secret to feeling more loved is not about changing yourself or about changing the other person—it’s about changing the conversation,” said Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis.

Things Your Mom Should Have Told You Book of Wisdom: “How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most” by Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis

In the olden days, moms used to clip articles from newspapers for their kids if they thought they needed to know something. I’m keeping an eye out for things that you might have missed that may be helpful to you.

This week’s clips:

Inspiration for times that try one’s soul

When Sharon McMahon prepared a commencement speech for Utah Valley University, she wanted to send grads off with something stronger than easy optimism–durable hope:

“Durable hope is not the belief that everything will work out. Durable hope is the decision to keep working when you don’t yet know how things will turn out, when the outcome is not yet assured.”

As McMahon, who’s known as “America’s government teacher,” pointed out, neither the patriots of the American Revolution, nor the abolitionists, nor the suffrage workers had any assurance of success–but they had durable hope.

McMahon’s address was canceled because of safety concerns, but you can read her inspiring words for these times that try one’s soul here.

Do talk to strangers

Although Rick Springfield famously counseled, “Don’t talk to strangers,” Melissa Kirsch says we definitely should.

When Kirsch went to hear some live music by herself, a delightful stranger bravely said to his fellow strangers, “We’re all here solo, so we should talk to one another.” And when they did, they pleasantly passed the half hour before the show. Kirsch makes the case for taking a chance on starting a conversation.

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