The Twentysomething Treatment

There are 75 million adults between the ages of 18 and 35 in the United States, most of whom are living through the most uncertain years they will ever know. When they wake up in the morning, they don’t know where they will work or where they will live in five years…When they try to fall asleep at night, they don’t know if their lives will work out, if they’ll ever be happy, or when they’ll be able to pay their bills.

“20th-century 20-somethings were likely to wake up to a spouse, a career, a baby, and maybe even a home and a purpose. These days, such sources of stability are more likely to be realized in one’s 30s and beyond–if at all. For many reasons, 21st-century young adults settle down later than earlier generations used to, which means that they’re likely to spend the first decade or so of adulthood feeling unsettled. And it’s not just young adult lives that are unsettled; the era in which they live is unsettling too,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

Developmental psychologist Dr. Meg Jay specializes in 20-somethings. “So many 20-somethings are struggling, yet as a culture we’re not sure what to think or do,” she says. Dr. Jay says that medication is sometimes, but not always, the best remedy. In The Twentysomething Treatment, Jay offers a “how to” plan for improving mental health through developing skills useful for navigating the uncertainties of life.

“Some times of life are more uncertain than others, and young adulthood is the most uncertain time of all. Our 20s are the years when we have the least experience dealing with them. What that means is that the average young adult is likely overloaded with uncertainty every day,” according to Dr. Meg Jay.

“Your 20s may be a mental health low point, but more often than not, they’re a turning point, too. Longitudinal research shows that, across the life span, mental health often follows a J-shaped curve. It takes a dip from childhood to young adulthood and then rises steadily in the decades after that. These are the years when, after trending downward, how we think, and feel, and act starts to take an upward turn,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

“In young adulthood, all those 20-something firsts–first decisions, first jobs, first loves, first breakups, first successes, first tough conversations, first apartments, first mistakes, first failures, first problems, first friendships–wire the brain for what’s to come. They tell us something about the specific skills we will need for the lives we will lead–and they give us an opportunity to build them. From this perspective, our young-adult struggles are not just normal, they are purposeful: they train the brain for what’s ahead,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

“Being a 20-something is like being an airplane soaring up into the sky after takeoff. It’s a time when a small change in course can make an enormous difference in terms of where you land with work, and love, and life. The same goes for mental health. The 20s are an up-in-the-air turbulent time but the best way to navigate the uncertainty and wind up somewhere better is to learn how to fly your plane,” according to Dr. Meg Jay.

“An estimated 80% of life’s most consequential decisions are made by around the age of 35. Do I go to graduate school and how do I pay for it? Which job do I take? Where should I live? Whom do I love? Should I have kids? Should I move for my job? Should I move in with my partner? Our 20s are a time when what we decide to do–or not to do–can have a significant impact on the years, and even the decades, to come,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

About work: “The single biggest driver of positive personality change in adulthood is work. Across our 20s and 30s, we become more emotionally stable as we age, and believe it or not, we largely have our jobs to thank. In a 2013 study of nearly 900,000 young adults from 62 countries around the world, work played a stronger role–even stronger than becoming a partner or a parent–in helping citizens feel more agreeable, more responsible, and more settled,” according to Dr. Meg Jay.

About work: “Work has an outsize impact on who we are and who we become. That’s why I won’t work with young adults who don’t have a job or who aren’t willing to get one. Being unemployed or underemployed when we’re young doesn’t help us feel happy or healthy, and neither does being broke or dependent on our parents. Work forces growth and change in a way that few of us can accomplish on our own, or even with our therapists…Showing up for work is, in fact, good for us–and maybe even better for us than anything else,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

About relationships: “Longer-term committed attachments are associated with feelings of calm, security, and comfort because there is predictability, the sense that the relationship’s future is somehow known. But not all relationships make it that far, and most in young adulthood don’t. As young adults settle down and commit to long-term partnerships at increasingly later ages, more time is spent falling in–and out–of love. An estimated 95% of young adults have rejected someone, and 93% have been rejected,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

About relationships: “Although friends are often seen as less important than partners or parents, the data suggest that friends are how we move from parents to partners. Friendships are better predictors of healthy romantic relationships at age 30 than are our relationships with our parents–and they are even better predictors than our early experiences with dating and sex,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

About purpose: “Having a sense of purpose is associated with a host of mental health benefits, including positivity, goal directedness, motivation, perseverance, self-esteem, connectedness, well-being, and life satisfaction. It also helps combat overthinking. When we focus on what’s important–to us–we feel less socially anxious and we’re less interested in what others are doing,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

About purpose: “Developmentally speaking, purpose comes into focus rather slowly. By the age of 30, only about half of young adults say they have one and the other half do not–yet. Settling on a purpose often takes time and experience,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

It gets better: “It shouldn’t be surprising by now, but around the world, young adults ages 18-34 are most likely to experience mental health problems such as anxiety and depression and to be more severely affected by their symptoms. After this age, however, these problems tend to decrease, as does the extent to which adults report being debilitated by whatever symptoms they have,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

“It gets better. This isn’t unrealistic optimism or magical thinking. It is a data-driven view supported by multiple studies in adult development, which have one consistent message: Life gets better as we age–and so does mental health,” said Dr. Meg Jay.

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Things Your Mom Should Have Told You

The Twentysomething Treatment