The young-adult version of the New Math
When the plus-ones add up to a new equation for your squad
As I’ve written about previously, the squad I was fortunate enough to be part of in high school made me feel like I was starring in a successful sitcom that could have been the forerunner to Friends. Even after we went away to college, my castmates were the most important people in my life, other than my family. They were the people in on my inside jokes, the ones I confided in, the people who knew me best.
As you may have noticed, most long-running sitcoms end up with new characters introduced into the mix sooner or later. And, whether they like it or not, the existing cast has to adapt to the new character, especially if that character ends up cast in a recurring role.
In my squad’s case, the new character showed up just in time for the Pollyanna episode. I had volunteered to host our gang’s annual gathering at my house, and without really thinking about it, I also invited the guy I’d just started dating a few weeks before. Nobody else was dating anyone then, but I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal to invite my boyfriend to the festivities since we’d all known one another in high school.
I remember my boyfriend ended up sitting in the family room watching TV with the dog while the rest of us gathered in the living room to exchange gifts.
Though we all hung out together once gifts were exchanged, I had a full helping of what divided loyalties feel like. When I was in the living room with my friends, I felt like I was leaving my boyfriend out. When I was in the family room checking in with my boyfriend, I felt like I was abandoning my friends.
It was awkward–just like transitions usually are. I suspect we all sensed that our squad wouldn’t be the same anymore.
My friends were gracious about it, though I suspect they may have talked amongst themselves about the new character infiltrating our squad. (They may have even called on our other old friend–Sarcasm–to help ease some of the hurt they might have felt at sensing they weren’t going to be at the top of my priority list anymore.)
It felt a little disloyal to be disrupting our squad. But at the same time, my deepening relationship with my boyfriend felt right, and I sensed it could become a new, super-long-running sitcom of its own (and it did).
The reality was that all of us would eventually spin off into our own sitcoms anyway. The inconvenient thing was that we didn’t all get cast into these new sitcoms simultaneously.
It took a few months, but eventually, the new ensemble felt normal. And then other squad members started bringing new characters into the mix too. As typically happens in life, our squad evolved into a show with a larger cast that aired less frequently. But whenever it did, it was still a special nobody wanted to miss.
Relationships with significant others will affect the dynamics of your squad, like it or not
Nobody likes to think that their relationship with their new significant other will affect their relationships with their friends, but the reality is that it does. Everyone has a finite amount of time and energy to invest in their relationships. Significant others absorb relationship bandwidth and free time.
Accepting new realities is much easier than getting stuck wishing things could return to how they were.
It’s normal if it feels a little hard to welcome new people into your circle
You're not alone if you have difficulty getting used to your friend’s significant other. Maybe it’s because most humans have a hard time with change. Accepting the person who has claimed dibs on your friend requires expanding your heart to accommodate a new person.
Plus making room for significant others is what friends do for one another. So do unto your friend as you hope they’ll do unto you when you introduce someone new.
Try to see what has enticed your friend to welcome this person into their life
Adapting to a new plus-one is an adjustment, but give it some time. Getting to know the new person may help.
Hopefully, your friend has demonstrated some of the same great taste they displayed when they chose you as their friend. And who knows? Maybe your friend has selected someone who will also become one of your good friends.
It’s always wise to be kind to someone’s significant other even if you don’t like them
One of the most valuable skills you can develop in life is learning to get along with people who aren’t your cup of tea. Instead of ruminating about being doomed to spending your life with somebody you don’t like, try to make the best of it. Focus on what you can do to make your time together pleasant. Being unfriendly or mean won’t help anybody.
Unless your friend is in a dangerous or abusive situation, think very carefully before expressing your misgivings about a partner. Your friend will long remember the negative things you have to say about their significant other, and it’s naive to think this won’t affect your relationship with them.
If you think a relationship is troubled or a mistake, perhaps the most helpful thing you can do for your friend is gently ask sincere questions that might help them notice that something’s off. (Maybe their answers will put your mind at ease.) Few people respond well to being told they’re making a mistake. Sometimes a less contentious conversation with a friend who’s a good listener has a better chance of being fruitful.
If your friend’s new addition leaves you feeling like something has been subtracted from your life, consider it an invitation to add new people to your circle
It’s hard to feel like someone who’s just lost a game of Musical Chairs. But the most sensible thing to do is regroup and spend more time with people who are available and happy to spend time with you. Like the old Girl Scout song says, “Make new friends.”
Never entirely sacrifice your friendships for a significant other
No matter how preeminent a significant other becomes in your life, you will always need friends too. Expecting one person to be everything to you is unhealthy. Humans are designed to live in community with others, so it’s essential to continue to nurture your friendships throughout your life. Plus you will be in much better shape should you discover that your significant other isn’t The One.
Over time, we all get better at adapting to and incorporating the plus-ones that come into our lives
The reality is our lives will always be subject to random cast changes. Before you know it, you will have dealt with so many plus-ones that you’ll be a pro. So, sit back, relax, and appreciate the growth those new characters bring to your sitcom so that it doesn’t get stale.
According to Dr. Meg Jay, our 20s are when we have to start creating our own sense of time and plans about how the years ahead will unfold. She acknowledges it’s difficult to know how to begin our careers or when to start our families: “It is tempting to stay distracted and keep everything at a distance. But 20-somethings who live beyond time usually aren’t happy. It’s like living in a cave where we never know what time it is or what we ought to do or why, sometimes until it is too late.”
Stay tuned for more snippets from The Defining Decade this month.
In the olden days, moms used to clip newspaper articles for their kids if they thought it was something they needed to know. I’m watching for things you might have missed that may be helpful to you.
This week’s clips:
Which friends should you prioritize in 2024? The host of the Substack Dear Nina: Conversations about Friendship says the answer depends on the friendship situation you’re in right now. She discussed why certain friends should get more of your attention this year on an episode of the Friend Forward podcast.
Newsfeeds these days are loaded with stories about America being hopelessly divided. In a conversation with Maria Shriver, Heather Cox Richardson, author of Democracy Awakening: Notes on the State of America, explained why there’s reason to be hopeful about American democracy.
Mentors can help you discern your career path and advance toward your professional goals. Five tips for finding, keeping, and cherishing mentorship.
Next Week: It’s called work for a reason Rough days (and weeks) at the office are normal
Relationships are tricky whatever way you look at it! And whether you are first or last to bring someone into the 'gang'. Love how you've described this, definitely a stage that most of us end up going through!