Why your relationship with money is complicated--and how to fix it

Mellan and Christie explain how you can pursue money harmony

Joanne McHugh

Jun 02, 2026

Book of Wisdom: Money Harmony by Olivia Mellan and Sherry Christie. “In our culture, money usually represents much more than dollars and cents. It’s tied up with our deepest emotional needs for love, power, security, independence, control, and self-worth. And since we’re usually unaware that money carries this emotional load, we fight over it without understanding what the battles are about or how to settle them,” said Olivia Mellan and Sherry Christie.

“Almost everyone is uncomfortable talking about money. In my psychotherapy practice, I’ve noticed that my clients have trouble discussing money without getting irrational and upset. In fact, it’s sometimes easier for them to talk about sex or childhood trauma than about their moneylife!” said Olivia Mellan and Sherry Christie.

“As we grow up, few of us are provided with good examples of how to talk about money. Nor are we taught how to use it wisely. On the contrary, we’re bombarded with ads urging us to buy the coolest, newest, biggest, fastest “stuff.” Easily obtainable credit encourages us to gratify ourselves instantly instead of budgeting and saving for what we want,” said Olivia Mellan and Sherry Christie.

“Along with those of us who succumb to the temptation to overspend, there are others who hoard money and/or worry about it incessantly. When a hoarder and a spender come together, disagreement is almost inevitable. One may want to save every penny, while the other would rather spend at least some of it on enjoyable purchases or experiences,” said Olivia Mellan and Sherry Christie.

“Almost all couples tend to polarize into oppositional attitudes and behaviors about money. One may think amassing money is the key to happiness, while the other considers it debasing or corrupting. If one worries about money constantly, the other avoids dealing with money at all. If one wants to combine their money in joint accounts, the other wants to keep at least some money separate. If one loves financial risk-taking, the other is terrified of it,” said Olivia Mellan and Sherry Christie.

“You know couples like these, don’t you? Maybe you’re in this kind of relationship yourself. No wonder money is one of the leading causes of marital strife! Once I became aware of these polarization patterns, I began to help my clients understand how their differences arose and find ways to resolve them, so they could share goals and make more rational financial decisions for the future,” said Olivia Mellan and Sherry Christie.

“When helping individuals and couples to explore their relationship with money in workshops and seminars, I advise them to think of money like a person. How is the relationship going? Is it running smoothly? Or is it charged with possessive feelings, envy, anxiety, or shame? Maybe it’s an arm’s-length relationship, indicating that they’d rather not have anything to do with money,” said Olivia Mellan and Sherry Christie.

“Many of us have a relationship with money that’s out of balance. We need to recalibrate back to a state of equilibrium that I refer to as “money harmony.” You may be saying at this point, “My relationship with money is unbalanced only because I don’t have enough of it!” But money harmony comes from within. If you are already out of balance and you come into some money, you’ll just become a little more out of balance,” said Olivia Mellan and Sherry Christie.

“Only by achieving money harmony within yourself will you be able to find satisfaction and fulfillment, whether you have more money or less money than you do now,” said Olivia Mellan and Sherry Christie.

“Does the thought of balancing your checkbook, paying bills on time, and other money management tasks make you feel overwhelmed? The insights and exercises will help you understand and overcome your avoidance. If scars from a previous experience are impairing the way you deal with money in a new relationship, you’ll learn how to forge healthier attitudes and behaviors that are not dominated by past history,” said Olivia Mellan and Sherry Christie.

Part 1 explores your personal relationship with money: Take the Money Personality Quiz to identify your money type or types (Spender, Hoarder, Avoider, etc.) Review your money history, which shapes your current attitudes and behaviors Understand how common myths may be keeping you from handling your money rationally Create your own Money Dialogue about where you are and where you need to go to reach money harmony

Part 2 focuses on couples: Explore how to deal with polarization patterns such as Hoarder vs. Spender, Planner vs. Dreamer, Money Worrier vs. Money Avoider Discover techniques for creating a safe, positive climate of respect in which to discuss and harmonize your differences Share money histories in a way that promotes intimacy Learn how to conduct a structured “moneytalk” on emotionally charged issues Use guidelines to set individual and joint goals

“Working with Money Harmony, you’ll see that money is not love, power, security, or any other magical key to life. It’s just a tool to help you on your journey throughout life—one that you can learn to use in a way that reflects your values and integrity. Practice cultivating money harmony, and your self-confidence and self-esteem will rise in more ways than you can imagine,” said Olivia Mellan and Sherry Christie.

Things Your Mom Should Have Told You Book of Wisdom: Money Harmony: A Roadmap for Individuals and Couples by Olivia Mellan and Sherry Christie

In the olden days, moms used to clip newspaper articles for their kids when they came across something they thought would be useful. I’m keeping an eye out for things that may help you.

This week’s clip:

Cathy Cassani Adams reflected on meeting the hard parts of early adulthood with compassion and understanding:

”Early adulthood is the time in life when you're held hostage by everything you could do and become. Potential feels heavy, like you haven't proven anything yet, and every choice feels like you’re actively closing other doors. This is why so many people in their 20s may seem to be acting paralyzed or avoidant. It's not laziness, it's that committing to something means giving up the safety of being someone who could be anything…”

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