Be kind to bridesmaids and groomsmen
Be kind to bridesmaids and groomsmen
Thou shalt not burden thy chosen ones
Once upon a time, a New York woman who had been in a dozen weddings and enjoyed everything about being a bridesmaid except the cost posted an ad on Craigslist offering her services as a bridesmaid for hire. Within two days, she received emails from 300 people interested in hiring her.
Since then, Jen Glantz has participated in hundreds of weddings, assuming a fake name and backstory so she seamlessly blends into the bride’s life. Glantz does everything a normal bridesmaid would do, including planning the bachelorette party, helping the bride sort out family or bridal party drama, and giving a speech at the reception.
Though you might think that being a bridesmaid for hire would be a niche business, you’d be wrong. In the decade since Glantz first hired herself out, she’s expanded her Bridesmaid for Hire company, employing others to serve as professional bridesmaids.
Glantz says that people often hire a professional bridesmaid because they don’t have close friends or because they want a professional to help curb bridal party drama.
In a way, this development isn’t unusual–people hire all kinds of professionals to assist with a wedding. But the fact that this kind of “job opening” exists for a role that friends used to be eager to play made me wonder–Is being a bridesmaid less appealing than it used to be?
If the recent feature in Glamour Magazine–”We Don’t: The Bridesmaid Burnout”—is any indication, the answer might be yes.
Why is being a bridesmaid less fun than it used to be?
From what I can tell by surveying the bridal landscape, some things are better for bridesmaids than they used to be–like the dresses. Most brides now let their bridesmaids choose a dress style that suits them as long as it’s in their chosen color.
This significant advance for womankind makes it way harder than it used to be to find an Ugly Bridesmaid Dress contest online. Those peaked about fifteen years ago. (But People’s gallery of the Top 10 Ugliest Bridesmaid Dresses survives here if you’re in the mood for some laughs.)
On the downside, the financial responsibilities associated with being a bridesmaid have increased greatly. Glamour Magazine estimates that the cost of being a bridesmaid today ranges from $1,500 to $2,300.
And it appears that the high cost of being in a wedding is stressing people out.
In a survey by LendingTree, 58% of bridesmaids and 61% of maids of honor reported that they had felt pressured to spend money on bridal party-related expenses. In the same survey, 43% of groomsmen and 50% of those who were the best men also said being in a wedding caused them to feel financial strain.
About a third (32%) of LendingTree survey respondents reported that attire was the biggest expense of being in a wedding, followed by the bachelor or bachelorette party (29%).
According to the LendingTree survey, 43% of maids of honor and 38% of best men ended up incurring debt because they were in a wedding. About 35% of bridesmaids said they went into debt, and so did 30% of groomsmen.
A Credit Karma survey explored why people overspent or went into debt to participate in wedding festivities.
When asked why they went into debt to participate in a bachelor or bachelorette party, respondents’ top reasons were “I felt obligated” (46%) and “all my friends were participating” (38%). About a third (34%) said they “didn’t want to offend the person who invited me.” About a quarter (27%) said they “didn’t want my friends to think I was broke.”
According to LendingTree, a third of those who had been in a wedding said they regretted the money they spent to do so. Maids of honor were most likely (44%) to say they regretted the bridal party-related expenses they incurred.
Protect the people who don’t want to disappoint you
It’s sweet that bridesmaids and groomsmen are so committed to ensuring that their happy couples feel celebrated. However, these survey findings show how vulnerable wedding party members are to making decisions that aren’t in their best interests because they fear disappointing the bride and groom.
It seems a shame to have a custom that should be fun turn into something stressful.
In a way, being the bride or groom is like becoming queen or king for a time. You ought to be the type of ruler who has the best interests of your “subjects” at heart.
If you are going to be a noble ruler, before you make wedding decisions that will financially impact your attendants, consider (1) how you would feel if you were asked to spend that much money and (2) how easily your attendants will be able to afford it.
For instance, I know that in many cases the bachelor/bachelorette festivities have expanded to long weekends because the realities of friends living a distance apart from one another make coming all that way for a single night of revelry seem silly. And it can be easy to get carried away as you plan the festivities. But the kind thing to do as you make choices like these is to keep your bridesmaids’/groomsmen’s budgets in mind.
Since your bridesmaids/groomsmen are in a situation where they could feel awkward or disloyal if they object to the cost, it’s on you to keep your friends’ best interests in mind.
If you want asking someone to be in your wedding to truly be an honor, honor the friendship that made you want to ask them in the first place–and remember that friendship is supposed to be about willing the good of the other.
Thirty-two percent of the bridesmaids and 42% of the maids of honor in that LendingTree survey said the financial pressures of being in a wedding ended up straining their relationship with the bride. Wouldn’t it be nice if being in your wedding strengthened your friendship instead of straining it?
After all, having those bridesmaids and groomsmen by your side as you live out your happily ever after will make for the happiest ending of all.
In An Ordinary Age, journalist Rainesford Stauffer explores the pressure to know what your ‘best life’ entails and how to create it in young adulthood.
Stauffer notes that it’s implied everywhere and sometimes said explicitly by well-meaning parents and mentors to 20-somethings–These are the best years of your life.
According to Stuaffer, the pressures on young adults today can include saving a certain amount of money by a certain age, making memories before the moment has even passed, knowing what you’re good at and going after it, having the right kind of social life so you never feel lonely, and proceeding with total confidence that whatever you’re doing is the best thing you could be doing.
Rainesford hopes An Ordinary Age “gets us talking about how many of our ordinary moments and feelings are actually formative. Being contented, present, and learning as we go should move us closer to the kind of lives and world we actually want to wake up to.”
Stay tuned for more excerpts from An Ordinary Age this month.
In the olden days, moms used to clip newspaper articles for their kids if they thought it was something they needed to know. I’m watching for things you might have missed that may be helpful to you.
This week’s clips:
A bride suggests six things that can help to keep bridesmaids happy.
An etiquette specialist, a social psychologist, and party-planning experts explain how to avoid turning a bachelorette party into a scene from the movie Bridesmaids.
A cancer survivor explains how Princess Kate’s cancer diagnosis can be a teachable moment for all of us about cancer etiquette.
Loved the trip down memory lane AND viewing the 10 ugliest bridesmaid dresses! This is good info as I have heard of a lot of really expensive bachelor/bachelorette weekends recently. Being nice to your friends is always good advice!